The tale thus far: Taking romantic pictures of Dawne started out as an effort to show her what she looked like through my eyes. The plan involved sneaking around in the middle of the night doing things I would rather not explain, then convincing her that this was all for her own good… If you are just joining us now, you may want to go back and read part one of “Taking Romantic Pictures of Dawne“.

Having dropped the whole “surprise” aspect of my grand plan as hopelessly impossible, I was left with an only slightly less challenging task: Convincing Dawne that she should pose nude for me. Allow me to interject something here, if I may, just to help your understanding of the proceedings that followed; when need demands, I am capable of being a bit of a sneaky bastard. You see, our camera does not do well in low light conditions. Normal room lighting at night is often enough to make it lose focus. Using this as my argument, I told Dawne that initially, we would only do an test run, just to see if the camera was up to the task, you understand. As predicted, a “test run” was something that Dawne could agree to.

DAWNE: I thought he wouldn’t be able to get anything at all on the camera, so being nude wouldn’t matter: I could be dressed just as easily and you would still ask, “What’s that weird blobby thing in the picture?”.

What I didn’t point out to Dawne was that the camera only loses focus some of the time. The rest of the time it’s fine, and is capable of taking a darn good picture…

DAWNE: Yeah… I’d forgotten completely about that…

When the appointed time came, we set up in the bedroom for our “shoot”. I had previously turned the heat up in the room for her comfort, and had a few props that we had agreed on ready (a couple of scarves, and possibly one of my dress shirts). Dawne stripped down and sat on the bed, nervous but willing to give it a go. For lighting, I had just our 60 watt overhead light, which I already knew would be insufficient.

I once read somewhere that professional photographers will routinely take upwards of 100 shots, just to get one or two good photos, so with this in mind, I started clicking. As predicted, the camera’s ability to focus in those conditions was deplorable, but that wasn’t my aim at that moment. While I clicked away, I talked to Dawne. We started conversing, and as she got used to the camera, and her mind became engaged in the conversation, she began to relax and look more natural in the viewfinder. Suffice to say that for one reason or another, the first 50 shots were terrible, but I began to get a feel for how to shoot her in such a way that she might begin to see herself as I did, and she not only began to relax, but even get into it, if only a little.

As she relaxed, I began to get a little more intimate with the angles and perspectives; which is to say, I began to take closer photos of specific areas of her body, as opposed to the full body or head and shoulder photos that I had been up until now. I focused in on closeups of her breasts, hip, or waist. Wherever and whatever the muse dictated, I clicked. Once I felt that she was sufficiently comfortable with the proceedings, I had an “idea”. Again, I didn’t tell her that I had actually had the idea a few days previously, just that I had an idea.

“I wonder if the side light will add enough illumination for the camera to focus properly?”, I mused aloud. Much to my delight, Dawne simply leaned over and turned it on herself! I was so excited my hands began to shake. Now to be fair, a good portion of my excitement was also due to having a stunningly beautiful woman spread out, fully naked, right in front of me… I don’t know how the pros do it, really I don’t…

DAWNE: I trust Marc with every part of my life, including my life. If he says that something is good for me it usually is. If he’s insistent that I try something, which with me means he gently keeps bringing something up, then it must be important. I say this because after the weight I gained from the drug, I was very, very body shy. I wouldn’t let Marc see me more than was absolutely necessary whenever I was nude. As Marc talked to me and I got a little more comfortable and I watched him, I realized he was really loving looking at me. I mean really loving it. The only way that would happen was if he really thought that what he was looking at was beautiful to him. When that thought crossed my mind and I let myself accept it, at least for those moments, I felt I must be beautiful and started to want Marc to look at me and hoped that some of the photos would come out all right.

Suffice to say that the rest of the evening went very well, with about 200 photographs taken, of which perhaps 20 or 30 were keepers. The end result was that my plan was an absolute success. Of the keepers, there were several that allowed Dawne to see herself as I do: A beautiful woman who is sexy, desirable and as hot as hot can get! It was such a success in fact that Dawne immediately began planning our next shoot, suggesting solutions to our lighting problems and other props that we might want to use.

DAWNE: I felt lighter and nearly liberated (my body image still needs a little work). However, it truly was a turning point: As I saw those photos that came out well, I realized that maybe Marc really had a reason to see me as beautiful and wasn’t just blinded by love, which is what I always attributed it to. I stopped hiding my body from him and started to let him touch me again and by that I mean explore. I let him know my body for the first time, really know, in our entire marriage because I KNEW HE found it glorious (his words). Even if I had my doubts, he certainly didn’t: Maybe my extra padding was ok and perhaps actually attractive and possibly I really was sexy.

I can honestly say that this experience started to change my ideas about myself. Marc’s lead was gentle but firm and determined to guide me to a revelation of myself and it was. I began to see myself very differently and to believe Marc when he told me how sexy and beautiful I was. Now, I ask him if he likes the things I do as a woman and I’m hearing the words and enthusiasm I heard only when we were first together. I know I’ve changed; I can really believe him now and that in turn has given me courage to let more of myself out of my box. As I do, Marc finds me more and more compelling, fascinating and well, hot. We talk more. We cuddle more. We connect more. Quite frankly, that’s pretty ridiculous because we’ve always been close. Now, we’re beyond that and we’ve only just begun.

I cannot recommend enough this simple idea: if your wife has body issues (as many women do), and simply telling her repeatedly how beautiful she is, showing her might just be the ticket you need. There are several books available on boudoir photography, such as “Digital Boudoir Photography: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Fabulous Images of Any Woman” (Amazon). For my initial run, I didn’t purchase this book, as my original plan involved an element of surprise, but it’s on my shopping list as we pursue this new hobby for two.

In the meantime, here are a couple of tips that have worked for us.

First, make sure that the room temperature is comfortable for your subject. Remember that she will be naked, so what feels comfortable while wearing clothing may not apply. Set the temperature half an hour to an hour ahead of time, so that the space you are shooting in has plenty of time to warm up. If you are uncertain if the room’s temperature is warm enough, set it, then strip and check it for yourself. A final note: too warm can be as bad as too cold, causing both you and your partner to be uncomfortable.

The second tip is lighting! Good lighting is essential. Overhead is bad, as are (usually) harsh shadows. A handy cheat for those of us who are unwilling to invest in a pro setup involving strobes and high-power flashes, an inexpensive solution is to use an ordinary work light, such as the type used on construction sites. We picked ours up from the local hardware store for about $12. Just be careful, those suckers get very hot! Safety first, people! This really comes into play if you want to mask the light for a softer effect. Side tip: softer lighting is more flattering, especially on a not-18-years-old-anymore body type.

The last, and most important tip is this: It’s all about her, not you! Make sure that she is comfortable, not just in the room, but with the proceedings in general. Talk to her, crack a joke, and take your time. This is a fun thing for couples to do together, not a high stakes fashion shoot with reputations on the line. Help her to relax, and have fun with it. All you have to do is practise photographing her in a way that allows her to see what you see.

I had the good fortune of extensive photography instruction, whether I liked it or not, so delaying the purchase of the books was ok for us. If your photographic skills could use a bit of a brush up, don’t be shy about investing in a book, or doing some independent research on the web, as I did. Your beautiful lady deserves to see herself through your eyes, and that is just a skill that can be learned, like any other. So, stop talking, start learning and most importantly start taking romantic pictures of your lover.

Image by Darwin Bell via Flickr

Have you ever had a really good, sensual meal? Do you remember how involved your senses got in the experience? It wasn’t just the taste and smell, but how the food felt in your mouth and the ambiance of where you had it. Your tummy (hopefully) loved you very much for giving it such a good experience and afterwards there was a rather nice glow. Add a fantastic desert and you have a recipe for a deeply sensual and romantic meal.

If you live near a really pretty park, grab a blanket and try a picnic involving superb cheeses (pick at least three), some fresh gourmet bread and maybe croissants and cottage cheese. You could follow this with fresh fruit and a can of real whipped cream and a white dessert wine. You could even try a picnic in the living room if there’s not a park nearby. Other good places could be the backyard if you have one, or a deck/balcony. Here you have the freedom to create a mood that can be quite beautiful through lighting, flowers and so on. Imagine your trees or railings lit up with lights, arranged so that they’re made to look like they’re fireflies.

If your romantic inclinations lean more to fantasy, you could invite your beloved to a fairy dinner. For this one you might want to plan for the meal to coincide with the full moon. If you do, use some blue-white LED lights to add to the moonlight near the table, but screen them with a gauzy white fabric, diffusing the light into a soft glow. On your railings or trees add more LED’s with delicate shades. The shades could even be very small white doilies you buy from the dollar store. Add some white flowers (something done for moon gardens) and any other plants that show well in moonlight. On the table use a white or silver tablecloth and napkins.

If you have a formal dining room, you could set this up to have a sensual but lightweight fabric draping the walls. Using the lightweight fabric means you tack it up easily and take it down easily. Try for a fabric designed to catch light and reflect it back. Add candles, flowers and a beautiful table layout. For the meal, make something sumptuous that will involve all the senses, but not too heavy otherwise the food will end up comforting instead of sensual.

If you and your partner have a favourite restaurant, you could also see if they will prepare a meal for you to take out. This will help to create a wonderful mood because the both of you will also be drawing upon great shared memories.

The idea is to create a meal that satisfies, involves the senses through texture, smell, sight, and flavor. The setting is where you begin to engage the gut and your conversation will engage the heart. You could even send your beloved a pretty invitation to join you in this sensual experience. For those who have a portable DVD player, consider bring along a movie to watch if you’re planning this meal outdoors.

However and wherever you choose to have your sensual meal, remember that once all the preparations are done, this meal is all about the two of you. Keep the setting enchanting, and the meal light, and your sensual meal will be an experience that you will remember for a long time, and hopefully repeat many times.

Last year, I discovered the joys of taking romantic pictures of Dawne somewhat by accident. Despite being the son of a talented amateur photographer, I never really caught the photo bug. What I did catch, however, was a reasonably good knowledge of how to take a good photo, an understanding that lent itself towards my sudden need to take romantic pictures of Dawne. If you’re wondering why I say need rather than desire, let’s just say that I had a problem to solve…

Like many women, Dawne is extremely sensitive to even the smallest fluctuations in her weight and size. She has never been fat, but as is the way of maturing, she no longer has the slim figure of an 18 year old anymore. Five full term pregnancies will do that to a girl’s body, and in my opinion, she is all the more beautiful for it. The problem was that she didn’t see it that way. All she saw was that she didn’t have an 18 year old figure anymore.

DAWNE: Honestly, it wasn’t having children that made me doubt my attractiveness so much as the 40lbs I gained from a drug I was given for one of my pain conditions. After I took that though, all I could see were stretch marks and too many loose, wobbly bits. Even my face had filled out. I felt fat and far too round, calling myself “blobular”, droopy and flat out ugly. Medically, exercising was a no-go, so I started eating much less. That didn’t do a thing, plus it was really bad for my health. Finally, I came to the conclusion this was just going to be the way it was, whether I liked it or not (I didn’t) and I would just have to avoid mirrors or looking in windows and try not to think about how ugly I had become.

What I have since learned is that I was about 22lbs underweight before I gained those 40lbs. So, in reality I’m only about 20lbs over my ideal. However, I really wonder about that “ideal” now. I’m 43, I’ve had 5 children, 2 chronic pain conditions and suffered from many years of bad depressions. I gained the weight and the depressions stopped. I’m generally happier and more pleasant to be around. My pain has gone down and I can cope better with it… Perhaps an extra 20lbs is a good idea.

Consequently, any (and every) time I would tell her how sexy/beautiful/desirable she was, she would want to know what, why, and most importantly, how? At first, I was all too happy to gush over her divine attributes, but that quickly faded, for every answer and description I could give her was countered with a “Yeah, but what about…. (blah, blah, blah)?” In other words, she didn’t believe me, because she couldn’t see what I was talking about. All she could see was the message pushed by mainstream media, a marketing machine that promotes a child’s body as every woman’s physical ideal. You see it everywhere you go, blasting from your tv’s, full page pictures in glossy magazines and 12 foot tall billboards flashing by at 50 mph.

And that’s when it hit me: a picture is worth a thousand words! After all, that’s why the media uses so many photos and images, isn’t it? How could I possibly hope to combat all of this media propaganda with words, when words are forgotten, but pictures are remembered? Enter Dad’s camera bug…

As talented as my dear old Dad is with a camera, his skill tends more towards landscapes and scenes, not people. His portraits are very much “by the book”, often looking like a portrait you might order from Walmart’s in house portrait studio, and to the best of my knowledge, he has never taken a nude picture, which is what I wanted to do. So the new question became, “how am I going to figure this out?” I wanted to surprise Dawne with this idea (more about that later), so buying a book on boudoir photography was out of the question. I had only one recourse…

How To Take a Romantic Picture Without Getting Caught!

The solution was both obvious and simple, though the actual execution… that’s a different story. Armed with my Dad’s instruction concerning lighting, composition and what have you, I thought that I might stand a reasonable chance of “reverse engineering” other people’s photographs, in an effort to learn how to shoot Dawne for best effect. I conducted my research in the middle of the night for two reasons: first, I wanted to surprise Dawne with this, and the second, more obvious reason; I did not want to try and explain to anybody why I was looking at pictures of naked women. I was understandably concerned that Dawne wouldn’t have believed me anyway… would you have believed such a tale? Yeah, neither would I.

So, in the dark of night, once Dawne and the kids were safely tucked away, I fired up my browser, and went looking for pictures of naked women. Naked women who weren’t Dawne. Ideally naked women who were NOT porn stars! That, my friend, was hard to do.

The challenge was to find the right search terms that would get me tasteful photos, not smutty pictures. My first try was “artistic nudes”. Not smutty to be sure, but by and large perhaps a little more “artistic” than I was looking for. I tried “erotic nudes” and variations thereof, with mixed success (a fairly high percentage of smut), and finally thought to try “tasteful nudes”. Bingo!

If researching the subject was difficult, convincing a woman who was inherently insecure about her body to pose nude for the camera would be almost impossible. To make matters worse, I had to convince her in such a way that she wouldn’t suspect my ulterior motive: proving to her that she is truly a creature of grace and beauty, not a fat old broad, as she seemed to think. Unfortunately, I had to reconsider the whole surprise aspect of the plan, mainly because I couldn’t figure out how to go about it without fabricating some outrageous story. For that matter, I couldn’t even begin to think of an outrageous story that would be even remotely plausible…

DAWNE: I remember Marc saying he wanted to take photos of me nude… Hmmm, how do I put this? Well, what I did was curl my legs up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and gave Marc a look that said “fearful constipation”. Then I asked him why he would want to do something like that when I look like I do? Marc told me he wanted me to see myself as he saw me. Without catching the beat I said, “What? Fat and ugly? I don’t like getting my picture taken when I’m clothed!”. Marc is, I think, part octopus due to the interesting colour changes that occur with his moods (and the numerous arms when feeling “playful”). This colour was puce with highlights of tomato. This is Marc’s “volcano” look, as in he was about to explode, which he did, at volume. To understand this, Marc’s yell has been compared to the voice of God (I poop you not) and I was about to get it at point blank range.

Marc said (and I quote), “YOU ARE NOT FAT OR UGLY!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU CAN BE REALLY STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO THIS!!!”. I know he said more, but unfortunately my ears had gone numb from the ringing, so I can’t share this with you. However, I feel that the sound waves were impressively effective since I started to believe him: I’m pretty sure the waves of his words made it permanently to my bones, so most of me heard him anyway.

The upshot of this was I agreed to let him take the photos when I could hear well enough again not to shout. God I love that man!

Please join us on Friday, where we will pick up the tale, and describe how I managed to take some full nude romantic pictures of Dawne.

The story continues in part 2, describing the “shoot” and discovering if Marc’s plan worked as advertised. Click on over to Taking Romantic Pictures of Dawne - Part 2 to learn how to do this wonderful thing for your lover, and help her se herself through your eyes

There are, of course, far more than 7 ways to say “I love You”, but these seven are particular favourites of mine for their ability to transcend the spoken word, and express the reality of your love into all that you do. The different cultures that they are drawn from have placed their own meaning on the expression, over and above the standard expression, adding to the depth and breadth of your love.

“I Love You” - English

These three words have appeared in English language music and literature since time immemorial, and are spoken by lovers every day. The phrase reminds us to let our partners know that we love them everyday, even in the most humble and trying of circumstances. In the hectic, workaday life that we live, it can become all to easy to let the words pass across our lips without any real thought to their meaning. It becomes a part of our regular routine, an automatic utterance that is little more than just another part of our daily ritual. The next time you speak these three little words to your lover, pause for a moment, and in speaking them, give them the meaning that they deserve.

“Je t’aime” or “Je t’adore” - French

If anybody knows romance, it’s the French. Wine and cheese, croissants enjoyed at a sidewalk cafe, and walks along the riverside, all are elements of romance, and these French phrases are tailor made to bringing romantic love into your relationship. There is a difference between the two expressions, however, that should be noted. While both can be used to express our feelings to someone special, the first “Je t’aime”, is somewhat more general, and can be used with close Friends and family, as well as our partners. It is an expression of love, but not necessarily romantic love. “Je t’adore” can be translated to “I adore you”, and is an powerful statement of romantic love, used between the two halves of a couple.

Using these two ways of saying I love you is to say that I love you for more than just your body! “Je t’aime” says that you love your partner for who they are, independent of your romantic inclinations. “Je t’adore” speaks to the spousal love that you hold for them. The two together say that you love your partner completely, just for being who they are.

“,\,,/” - Sign Language - (represents position of fingers when signing ‘I Love You’)

It’s just as important to tell your lover how much you adore them by deed as it is to tell them by word. The actions you use to communicate your affections can sometimes be far more powerful than words alone, so make sure to show them how much you care in the things you do for them. Volunteer to do the dishes after a particularly hard day. Take out the garbage without the need for a reminder. The things that we do as an expression of our caring for the other in our life, are just as important and far more powerful than spoken words can ever be, for our actions put the truth into our words.

“Ya tebya liubliu” - Russian

The Russians are seen as a nation of fierce passions and when they love, it is a love complete and without reservation. Here we are reminded to love with abandon, and allow ourselves to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that make love the greatest experience known to mankind. Allow yourself to become caught up in a kiss, or enveloped by an embrace. Let your partner be your world. Love is at times tender and at times fierce. Let yourself be swept away by a torrent of passions, and those same Passions will lift you to heights never before imagined.

“Aishiteru” or “Anata ga daisuki desu” – Japanese

Honor and respect are the hallmarks of Japanese culture, and so should you always strive to love your other half in the same way. Treat them in such a way as to let them know how much you value them. Respect their thoughts and opinions, and honour them in all that you do. Lift them up every chance you get. Be their strength when they have need of it, and cheer them on in all their endeavours. Be your lover’s number one ally, and staunchest supporter, and they will in turn never abandon you.

“Amin mela lle” - Elvish - (From The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)

Every great love has elements of fantasy and adventure to them. Never let the adventure end, and you will live a life of love that seems like a fantasy to others, but be a blissful reality to you and yours. Strive to keep it fresh and alive. Brush up on your kissing tips, surprise them with something unexpectedly wonderful, and keep the magic of love alive in their hearts. Conquer a kingdom or slay a dragon, or even weave and arcane spell upon their senses, filling with the elvish grace and beauty that makes for a world worth living in.

To female - “ani ohev otach” (said by male) “ohevet Otach” (said by female) - Hebrew
To male - “ani ohev otcha” (said by male) “Ohevet ot’cha” (said by female) – Hebrew

No matter who you love, express your sentiments in a way that is unique to you, and specific to them. Let them know that they are your one and only, and there is no other. Love transcends all boundaries and transcends all times. It is the one constant, and yet is unique to every individual. Discover your lover’s uniqueness, and address it directly every time you say “I love you”.

Never stop exploring different ways to say I love you, and your partner will never doubt the depth of your affections. Over time you will develop your own language of love, one based on time, experience and shared memories. Through this you will find new and highly individual ways of saying I love you, in a secret language that only you and your partner can understand. Your spoken affections will be a secret language, rich in depth and meaning, and as unique as the two of you are when you are together. Every aspect of your life will say, with utmost eloquence, I Love You.

Image by iwillnotsuccumb via Flickr

I love Marc to distraction. He’s like an addiction to me and I’m quite happy to be an addict in this respect. I love to tell him often how I feel and I do. I also like to tell him in different ways: Sometimes it’ll be through actions and at others it will be spoken. However, the written word is another wonderful way because I have to think, “How do I put my words to my heart that clearly show my devotion to him?” When I write to him, it’s my way of renewing my vows with him each time I write. It’s also a record of how do I love thee? Since the ways are innumerable, I can do this for the rest of my life, finding new ways to say, “I love you and my commitment to you is forever.”

To My Beloved,

I think of your arms encircling me whenever you stand next to me. My ears tingle and heat when you lean over to whisper something quietly to me. I hope for your hands to touch me whenever I see them. When your eyes look elsewhere, I become jealous for them to look at me and when they do, my heart begins to ache.

I love to watch you move; your movements are full of power and grace. I love your scent; it speaks of desire and tenderness. I love your eyes; full of intelligence and passion. I love your hands; they’re strong, elegant and sensual. I love your mouth; it is the mouth of a king and a lover. I love your smile; with it you sparkle.

I know when your eyes follow me because of the sudden heat that envelopes me. I can feel when you are near because your presence is part of my own and when you are gone, I feel a longing to be complete.

To be chosen by such a magnificent man when you could have anyone or anything, brings me near to crying. To be the only one who is able to open the door to your heart is sometimes overwhelming, but I am happy to drown in your complete desire for me. You take me whole, standing before you, as I am. In your presence, I am naked at all times and and the parts of me that shall always remain children, find deep refuge and acceptance. With all my inadequacies and flaws, you love all parts of me with monumental gentleness.

I am so blessed to have you in my life because I know I am loved for who I am. You never accept wiles and illusions from me; you want only the real me. You heal any wounds I carry and love me more for letting you see them, but love me most when I let you care for them.

How can I love you back adequately? My only answer is with the complete surrender of my being. I am yours and will forever be only yours.

Image via Wikipedia

The orgasm is probably about as close as most of us will ever get to enlightenment, and that may be a lot closer than you think. In a study done in 2005, scientists performed the first brain scans of people having sex and achieving orgasm, as they tried to determine what happens in the human brain at these times. They found that there were some very striking differences in the brain between the sexes at the time of orgasm. While I don’t agree with some of the conclusions they drew, some of the scan results were, shall we say, enlightening….

It is common knowledge that a woman needs a certain amount of “build up” time before hopping into bed. She needs to feel connected to her partner. She needs to be seduced and romanced. She needs to “get into it”, before she can “get to it”, and really enjoy the experience. Since time immemorial men have tried to fulfill this need, by way of candles and flowers, candies and chocolates, and romantic evenings in front of the fireplace. Also since time immemorial, women have felt cheated, failing time and again to reach orgasm. What’s going on?

Imagine, if you will, that the stage has been set. The candles are aglow, and the fireplace is crackling quietly in the corner. Glasses of wine sparkle in the warm light, disturbed only by the sound of quiet nothings murmured into a lover’s ear. The evening proceeds as planned, both partners aware of how the evening will end, yet content to exist in the moment. Murmurs turn to kisses, and the wine is abandoned for the sweet elixir of love only to be found in another’s arms.

Clothing is shed, and bodies recline, lit only by the dancing flames of a fire dimmed by the intensity of the passions building on the rug before it. Bodies intertwine in a collision of passions, followed quickly by a frantic writhing, grunting, moaning moment of…

“Was it good for you, too?”

This climactic moment is where the differences between men and women come to a head. For women, the journey is all. The goal is part and parcel with the romance, inseparable and indistinguishable one from the other. The two (goal and journey) are actually one continuous experience. Men, conversely, treat the goal as separate from the journey. The journey is of course to be enjoyed, but once the goal is in sight, the race to the finish is on.

A 2005 article written about the study states:

“In men, greater activity was seen in the insula, which deals with emotion, and particularly in the secondary somatosensory cortex, which rates the significance of physical sensations. This suggests that the sensory input coming from the genitals is being judged highly important and pleasurable by the brain.

“Women, however, show very little increased brain activity, and only in the primary somatosensory cortex - which registers purely that a sensation in the genitals is there.”In women the primary feeling is there, but not the marker that this is seen as a big deal,” Dr Holstege said.”For males, touch itself is all-important. For females, it is not so important.”

and continues on to claim:

“The key to female arousal seems rather to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety, with direct sensory input from the genitals playing a less critical role.

“…men also appear to concentrate more on the sensations transmitted from the genitals to the brain. This suggests that for men, the physical aspects of sex play a much more significant part in arousal than they do for women, for whom ambience, mood and relaxation are at least as important.”

“…with direct sensory input from the genitals playing a less critical role.”

Perhaps it’s just the way this statement is phrased, but it almost sounds like being physiclly stimulated is not as important as making sure the candles don’t go out! Having spoken to Dawne about this on numerous occasions, I have to partly disagree with that statement. Direct stimulation of a woman’s genitals is important, but only in the context of the greater experience.

“The scans show that during sexual activity, the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion start to relax and reduce in activity. This reaches a peak at orgasm, when the female brain’s emotion centers are effectively closed down to produce an almost trance-like state.”

As every woman is different, that experience may or may not involve props such as wine and chocolates. What is common to most, if not all women is this: A feeling of trust and tenderness must be present within her before proper arousal and orgasm is possible. Everything leading up to the big O works to let her relax, and enter “an almost trace-like state.” This is why, when a man suddenly switches gears in the race to the finish, his partner is often left behind, bewildered by the sudden interruption of her experience.

How Can You Help Her?

Gentlemen, start her engine… Understand that love making is not a race to the finish, but an experience to be savored. Seduce her. Romance her, even if the two of you have been together for decades. She needs to be loved anew every day, just like it was the first day. Once you hit the sheets, help her have at least one orgasm (and preferably 3 or more), before you get anywhere near your own climax.

The second thing that you should do is much more difficult, but all the more rewarding for it: Slow down! Get that whole “finish line” mentality out of your head. Remember that she should be headed towards a trance state, and that doesn’t just happen in an instant. There is a journey involved and you need to lead her through it with love and tenderness. Your body will rail against this one, but if you can discipline yourself to prolong your lovemaking, and learn to lead her on this journey, not only will she feel like you are the best lover ever born, you will too!

Source article from The Times Online

The inspiration for these communication commandments for men came from my own and other women’s experiences. They are about when men say just when they shouldn’t. The first one you’ll read is about the dreaded Fat Question. Hopefully, we give you something you can actually use. The last one of the 7 commandments is on a rather sensitive subject: The worth of a person when they’ve been through a Life Experience, so-called “baggage”, and she gets judged for it. I know many guys aren’t this ignorant, but there are enough of them out there that I knew I needed to add this one. Both Marc and I have heard it: Me as “one of the guys” when I was younger and they were talking to one of our friends and Marc’s experience was when he was told I had too much “baggage” to be with.

The more cushion, the more pushin’.
“Does this outfit make me look fat?” You, “Uh, … Yes?”

Kind of a no-win here. To understand what a woman is feeling, you need to understand that society is telling her everyday, everywhere, that she should be a child woman with boobs, functional sexuality and a child’s body, even after having children. Even if you really believe she’s a goddess (and tell her so), in her mind you are biased because society keeps telling her otherwise.

Have a look at the ridiculous “news” story at the bottom of this post and make sure you take a look at the so-called “fat” picture link in it. If you do, you’ll see what a woman faces everyday about her looks. If they’re saying this garbage about a celebrity, think what message this sends your beloved.

She wants to believe you, she really does: She wants to be free to let go, particularly with the one she loves, even if she’s afraid to, because of her body image. If she’s afraid, then that usually has to do with how much she thinks/feels/believes you’ll accept her. So what’s a guy to do? If you agree with her, you’ll just confirm her fears, if you disagree, then at best you’re biased and at worst you’re lying.

Most men do not find a skinny woman attractive. Beyond that, women often get the message from men that they need to be Barbie dolls to be attractive. However, most men give that impression because of peer pressure, having never really decided for themselves what they personally find attractive. However, their eyes follow what they truly like. So what do their eyes follow? A woman who looks healthy, happy, with an attractive face and preferably some meat on her. Not fat, but definitely with some upholstery on the frame. A man will not take his eyes off of her, regardless of her breast or butt size; there are many men who truly appreciate a good backside. She will often have wider hips and shapely legs. She will often be the sexy type as opposed to the girlish or boyish type.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

Explaining the last paragraph to your beloved and going to do some people watching pointing out to her where the guys’ eyes stick would be a good start. Help her find clothes that actually make her look her best. Hair and make-up too, if applicable. If it’s really just a matter of muscle tone, you can look into exercise programs, nutrition programs, etc., that are designed for women. A good exercise program that turns a woman’s body into a dancer’s one is called Callenetics. It makes you strong and feminine without any bulking up and it’s pretty fast. However, you will need to support her properly as her body shape changes by showing and telling her just how sexy she’s getting. If she’s feeling a sprinter’s lethargy for the longer distance required to make herself KNOW she’s as beautiful as you see her, be her coach and help her get it done.

If you’re worried about her health, find out if there are any real health dangers for your situation. If there are, talk to your family doctor about them and ask what can be done. But understand, if she has to make changes, then so do you if she’s going to be successful. You cannot ask her to make life altering changes and then expect that you can carry on as usual: Cheering her on from the sidelines is nowhere near good enough for such radical changes to be successful. You will have to coach and encourage her if you’re already fit, or change along with her if you’re not. When she gets discouraged, it’ll be up to you for a while to help her get her spirits back up. In short, show her you love her with both your words and your actions.

She doesn’t have baggage; she has carry on.
“She’s damaged/used goods” or “She’s got too much baggage.”

This is what guys say to other guys, but they very often say it in front of other women, whether they realize it or not.

When does a human being stop being worth the effort? When do they become “throw away”? When you get to the point that people are only worth the time when there’s no effort to be made. It’s then that you’re the one who’s not worth the time of day. This is not to say that you should ever put yourself in harm’s way. Just consider if you could help.

However, when a man says this about a woman because she’s been divorced or had a really bad childhood, that’s when he’s said too much. But you know what? One man’s trash becomes another man’s treasure for the man with the heart to see within and love what he sees.

Saying something like this to a woman says to her that she is only worthwhile if she has never experienced life. It also reduces a woman to a “thing”. A woman is a human being. Life happens to her, just like men (if not more so). A man does not suddenly become worthless when he’s experienced suffering, so why on earth would a woman be considered as less if she has? Human beings develop character and gain depth through their experiences. She has learned how to carry on even when things get bad.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

First of all, shut your mouth! Remember that your buddy isn’t the only one listening to you. Second, and far more importantly, is to remember that she is a human being first and foremost. Her experiences, however difficult and/or damaging have made her into the woman that you love today. Help her work through the pain and trauma to the best of your ability. Find books on the subject if necessary, but above all be patient, understanding and supportive. Her healing will come from within; within herself as well as within you. Be strong, but gentle, when she can’t, trusting that through your strength her own will grow.

There is truth to the adage, “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. Help her find the strength within her experiences. Realize that at the end of it she will be more than either of you could ever possibly hope.

The Bottom Line to the 7 Communication Commandments

For your consideration, here’s a Sanskrit proverb:
“A woman’s appetite is twice that of a man’s; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.”
If the ancients saw women this way, and our civilization comes from them, and men more or less run things, why are men not understanding they are interacting with at least an equal?

A woman is not just a pile of hormones, a collection of great attributes, or some alien creature you don’t need to understand, just “work” right. She is a human being and a person just like you. You wouldn’t think of any male friend in the terms you would easily apply to women and he’s a person. So why would you do this with women? It doesn’t make sense. If you treat a woman right and earn her trust and respect, she will treat you right. There is no downside.

If haven’t read the other communication commandments you can read them here:
7 Communication Commandments Part 1
7 Communication Commandments Part 2

Image used under Creative Commons license. By Fruitanimal

Image by Lily Zhu via Flickr

I just finished updating Incurable Romantic’s About Page with Dawne’s Story (mine). Afterwards, I finally got a chance to go over to the blog of probably the single most enthusiastic person I’ve ever had the privilege of hearing from: Robin Easton’s Naked in Eden Blog and started reading Why Didn’t You Say it Then?

In it she talks about the phrases people use here in North America and quite frankly, I find insulting and stupid. Her response to these idiotic concepts are absolutely wonderful! If you want to see someone who lives by a code of romance, go have a read. Robin has the the most amazing romance going with life, the world and from what I’ve seen, everything else she can get her hands on. She lives here, now and fully. This particular post shows this view very clearly. Can’t get any more romantic than that.

Over at Bunny Got Blog, you’ll find some pretty good recipes to romance your body with; meaning help you take care of it. She also has great business advice from a woman’s perspective.

Buffy’s Blog will romance you with her insightful humor about life. Really. She is hilarious. She also writes sensitively and touchingly about the moments of her life. Go and enjoy.

Finally, if you want to romance the whole of your life, you might want to have a look at The Next 45 Years. He covers personal development, law of attraction, happiness and success. This gentleman wrote a wonderful post about his wife and his wife replied (kind of like Marc’s letter to me and mine to him).

The inspiration for these communication commandments for men came from my own and other women’s experiences. They are about when men say just when they shouldn’t. Many men out there are genuinely ignorant, but I believe there are also many men who really love the woman they’re with. The problem is, they just doesn’t know any better and we are partly to blame for this: We’re so busy being hurt and angry with them for being insensitive, that we don’t take the time to explain it to them. Then we seem to expect them to mind read why we’re upset. So in fact, we are perpetuating this behavior. My advice? If you don’t want to deal with it, then be clear as to why it’s wrong. Educate them. A good man, once he understands what he’s done, will do his best to change. Really.

The more more you notice other women, the less of her you will see.
“Wow! Look at her! What a knock-out!”

Never tell a woman how beautiful or sexy another woman is. When we talk about beauty, we are talking about our sense of aesthetics. When we say someone is sexy, we’re talking about how desirable we find someone. So, when you talk about another woman in these ways, the woman you’re with gets the message that she doesn’t measure up in some way. Instead, it’s the other woman who measures up. This does not mean that she is insecure in herself. It means what it always does: Love makes anyone insecure because you are now concerned about someone else’s happiness rather than your own. That means that you want to please your partner in every way you can. The main things in either gender’s arsenal are looks and charisma to attract someone, at least initially. If you talk about someone else in this context, then that translates as your partner is lacking something. Not a good feeling.

The question is, if the woman you’re with meets your sense of beauty, why are you looking at another? If you say another woman is sexy, you’re saying she’s desirable. No woman wants to hear you desire another woman, ever. Just as a man wants to know that he has the power to hold on to the one he’s with, so does a woman. If this is made a habit, especially in a committed relationship, a woman will make herself scarce in some way. This often means hiding who she really is from the one she’s with.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

You must become blind to all other women. When you do, you will find that the woman you’re with will begin to bloom. When the woman you’re with blooms, you’ll wonder why you ever looked at anyone else in the first place. She’ll become radiant and the secrets of herself that she’ll begin to reveal will not only endlessly fascinate you, they will be the biggest turn-on of your life. However, remember that just as flowers take time to bloom, you must be patient with the process in your beloved. A good tip is to make her first in everything, so try reading some good books and learn from them. Be sensitive and thorough in any research you do; don’t just look for ways to “get her off”. She is a person, just like you and you wouldn’t want to be seen in just that way either. An important note to keep in mind is, if women find you attractive, be aware of this so that you’re able to send clear signals you are very much taken.

To remove foot from mouth, first remove fingers from ears.
“You talk too much.”

Listen if you wish to be listened to. Every person wants to be heard. It tells them that, to at least one person, they are important: It is a way of validating our existence in this world. Considering how important this is, being listened to is a tiny requirement from our lover. Yet for many women, it can become a herculean task to be truly heard by him.

The mistake many men make is that they forget the woman they are with is also person, just like them. Seriously: They see a woman and tend to forget the human being within. Even if they just about worship women. They see the form, they see a woman, they see a mysterious being, but they don’t see the person. Women are not really enigmas, they are people and they are often the direct complement to all the things missing from men. Where men are specific, women are global. Where men point out problems, women look for solutions. Where men tend to be aggressive, women tend to communicate. Both responses of either gender is often appropriate when they occur together: Men get to the point, women find the root by looking at the environment in which things occurred. Used in proper concert, these abilities are probably a prescription for world peace. Not kidding here.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

Never make her feel like you’re not really listening to her and then wonder why she doesn’t respond to you. Actually, actively listen to her. Never let her think what she has to say is not worth listening to. Always remember that she is a person before she is anything else. You need her and she needs you. You can complete each other and really, this is what we seek in a real relationship.

Mention not the blood, lest you begin to bleed.
“Are you having your period?”, “Is it that time of the month?”, or “Is your period coming?”

Think about it guys: Do you ever get asked, “Is your prostate bothering you?” when you get angry, grumpy, or are just being a jerk? Of course not, even though it’s the male source of “hormones”. But guys have no real problem ascribing hormones to a woman who’s speaking her mind and may not be a happy camper about the topic. No guy would ever accept being reduced to a package housing hormones, yet that’s how they treat women. The really scary thing is that a lot of guys don’t have any idea they did anything wrong and end up confused at her increased anger.

Do you have any idea what is running through a woman’s mind when this happens? It ranges from thrown objects to putting tampons in places you really don’t want to find them, possibly with some violence and yes on YOUR person. That’s during her “normal” time. If it’s during that time of the month, this could also imperil your physical well-being in very real ways. Seriously, this has to be one of the most frustrating things a significant other can say to a woman: It reduces a woman to a reactionary animal, which she is decidedly not. It also instantly invalidates everything she has to say in your head and she knows it. It is a rare woman who can remain clear enough, after hearing this, to give a good dressing down about the subject to the man so that he never makes the same mistake again.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

Chart her period on the calendar for several months so you KNOW when it’s there and when it’s coming. If she suffers from PMS, be supportive, pamper her a bit and be loving, but do NOT mention the blood. If she gets angry during this time, FIRST consider if what she’s saying has merit before dismissing it as the result of her hormones: She just might be too nice the rest of the month to mention it, or perhaps afraid to. Even if what she’s saying is not valid, remain calm enough to ride out her temper and do not rise to the occasion. When she calms down, ask if she feels better now (nicely), see if she would like a bath. However, do NOT mention the blood at any point. If she asks why you’re being like this, simply tell her that everybody needs to vent sometimes, which is true. If you do this, you might be surprised at how much better she might get at that time of the month.

Come back Friday for the last 2 commandments and if you missed the first 2, go have at look at 7 Communication Commandments for Men Part 1.

7 Communication Commandments Part 3

Image used under Creative Commons license. By Mr.Omega

The inspiration for these communication commandments for men came from my own and other women’s experiences. They are about things men say just when they shouldn’t. For instance, as I purused the web, I ran across a question at Yahoo! Answers. In it, the lady was asking the world if her breasts, a 40 C, were too small because her husband told her they were. Interestingly, her question was posted under Home >Family & Relationships >Marriage & Divorce. Notice the final subcategory gentlemen?

“What’s wrong with a question like that?” many gentlemen out there would ask. Oh, gee, I dunno. Let me think… EVERYTHING!! The fact that she even heard that from her husband (of all people), let alone feeling like she needs to ask, is mind boggling to me. So, I dedicate this message for men to all the women out there who’ve had to deal with questions and statements that shouldn’t even enter a man’s mind, let alone spew out of their mouths. I also dedicate these 7 communication commandments, and they are, to those gentlemen who really do love them and just don’t know any better.

Judge not her breasts, lest your penis comes under scrutiny.
“I wish you had larger/bigger boobs.”, or “They’re not big enough.”

Every woman is different, just as every man is: There are A cups that look like B cups, C’s that look like B’s and B’s that look like C’s. Each pair of breasts is unique to her. If she chooses to expose and share such an intimate part of herself to you, you should feel privileged, not disappointed that she somehow didn’t meet your expectations. It’s your expectations and attitude that are disappointing. So consider that just as no man wants his “little guy” dissed, neither does a woman want her “girls” dissed.

A woman’s breasts are her first signal to others that she is feminine and desirable. To judge her breasts negatively is to send the message that she’s inadequate, simply because she’s a woman. She doesn’t need another jerk (you) reinforcing any insecurities that society may have already put on her. It hurts to hear things like that, and I don’t think many guys could laugh off derogatory statements about his penis, yet women “have” to do it all the time about their breasts. Personally, I think if a woman hears this kind of garbage from her man, she should take that garbage and dump it right back in his lap with some appropriate words of her own regarding his point of pride.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

Never make her question her femininity as regards to how you see her. Find whatever good points her breasts have and focus on them. Since most men are happy to have any pair stuck in front of them, this really shouldn’t be too hard. Don’t fantasize about “could’ve been”; they aren’t. Appreciate the woman, as she is, who is actually in front of you. Just as you are more than your penis, she is a whole lot more than her cup size. Help her to feel secure about herself both as a person and as a desirable sexual creature. No woman is going to be the sexual fantasy you have in your head: 9 times out of 10 she’ll be far better if you really appreciate her and make sure she knows you think of her that way.

The faster you want to go, the longer she will take.
“Hurry up, you’re taking too long!”

Never tell a woman to hurry up. A woman does things at her own pace. Respect it. This is true whether she’s shopping or making love. Women resent being hurried through things; they are creatures that like to savour the moments. A woman is often far more sensual than a man, so she needs to have time to fully take things in, since she uses her more of her senses to fully experience things.

For instance, a woman’s nose is far more engaged than a man’s, which is why she likes perfume and smells flowers as soon as they’re handed to her. A woman’s eyes are often much more colour sensitive than a man’s. Most men are colour blind to some degree, colour blindness affecting 1 in 20 men, while colour blindness only affects 1 in 200 women. Women can also hear higher pitched noises significantly better than men. Women have a more acute sense of touch than men. There are even differences in taste: Women have more taste buds for bitterness than men do.

So, she smells more sensitively, sees colour more intensely and hears higher sounds. When she touches something, she feels it on a far more visceral level than a man. This is how women experience the world and this takes time. The processing of all this input cannot be rushed.

What You Need to Do if You Really Love Her:

Discipline yourself and slow down. Remember that she’s processes more information than you do. Due to this way of being, a woman is global, whereas a man tends to compartmentalize. A global experience is holistic in nature, which means she encounters an entire ecology with each perception that then must be fitted into the context of everything else she has known. A man tends to “map read” in order to orient himself within the context of his experience. A woman is directly within her experience, whereas a man is a number of steps removed from his. For a woman to “hurry up”, she must cut down her senses in some way. Doing this regularly causes her to lose touch with this innate ability, and sensual experiences become something she has to work at. The big point here is don’t be afraid to enter her world and move at her pace.

7 Communication Commandments for Men part 2

7 Communication Commandments for Men part 3

Image used under Creative Commons license. By | spoon |