I have always been a fiercely independent kind of guy, possessed of a distinct “can do” attitude. I believe that Dawne’s term for it is stubborn. She has often complained that around me she feels redundant, as I don’t seem to need her. Though I have tried to explain the myriad of ways that I do need her, they are always an ephemeral, intangible kind of need as opposed to a practical need. There are few things that we could point to and cite as tangible evidence of what she does for me. Now the tables have turned.
As my eyesight deteriorates, I find myself increasingly in need of her assistance with things that I would have previously done for both myself and her, and I have to say that I am not used to it. However, there is a bright side to this picture, albeit an uncomfortable one. As my outer world dims, I find increasingly that my inner sight is brightening, leading me to both see and realize things about myself that I never knew before, the chief of which is that for the last two decades I have been doing both Dawne and I a great disservice.
I am a great believer in demonstrating my love to my family in a practical, action oriented way. Combined with my independent can do attitude, it seems that I have been doing too much, and allowing them to do to little. I have not been allowing them to demonstrate their love for me in a practical, tangible way.
As I have grown increasingly reliant on them, I have noticed something new emerging, particularly in Dawne. I’m not entirely sure what it is yet, save to say that she is manifesting a strength and resilience that I have never seen before. Don’t get me wrong, Dawne has always been a strong woman. That was, and continues to be, one of the main things that I find so attractive about her. This new manifestation of that strength has a different quality to it. It seems to run deeper, coming from a place closer to her core than the necessary strength that she manifests on a daily basis.
It’s like she is showing me areas of her true self that I had never before allowed to emerge, if only because I never gave her the opportunity to bring it out. Now I have to consider the very real possibility that I have quite literally been smothering her with love. That’s not good.
As we talk about how to love someone, much of the emphasis is on what we can do to be better lovers. It is very much an outward looking view, and yet I find myself coming to the realization that as much as we send our love out, it is equally important to allow ourselves to receive love back. We have to let the other person love us in kind.
I got me some learnin’ to do….
4 users commented in " 20-20 Blind Sight "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackWonderful insights, Marc! There are so many variations of ourselves, varying degrees of exposure.
My sister is a very strong personality and I sort of fade away in her presence. She fills the space, and part of me recedes into a watchful place. When she’s calmer, more of me comes out.
I find this true everywhere. At work, home, with family members, friends, in public with strangers… Different facets of ourselves take turns being in the forefront. We’re different people, all the time. And it’s all okay…it’s part of the movement of life.
I’m glad you’re accepting Dawne’s strength, because I’m certain she’s so happy to give you back so much of the love you’ve given her. Giving and accepting is really “sharing.” Sharing is SO good.
Hi Julie, it’s a pleasure to meet you
And as you say, it’s all a part of the movement of life. I feel that it’s important to note that if one perspective, or view of the world, fades away, it will be replaced by another fresh perspective, as long as we are looking for it.
Cheers, Marc
My dear friend Marc,
I read this and cried over your remarkable courage. With all you are going through…you are here still sharing your profound wisdom and insights…still helping us learn.
I want you to know that you are, right this very minute, in my thoughts…as you read this. I am sending you and Dawne so much love and respect. I am astoundingly proud of you.
I hope you can use those of us who read your words, for support and just an ear to listen. Julie who just left you a message above is a wonderfully warm kind person. I think she and Dawne have met. But she is like you both. Deeply kind and loving.
I know from experience what you are writing here is true. Not only from my past but right now in my life. I am going to print this out and read it to my sweetheart when he gets home tonight as it is something we have touched on when we talk. But I have not had the clear words that you have here. So it will help us both.
I am reaching through the darkness that is taking over part of your eyes and sending you a huge amount of light….right now. Not that you need if from me, as your writing here reflects a soul FILLED BRIMMING with light.
Marc, there are masses of people on the planet who can see with their eyes but are completely blind. I am so glad you are someone who completely sees.
You have and continue to touch my life, soul to soul, as does your beautiful Dawne.
Much love,
Robin
Dearest Robin:
While I always deeply appreciate your comments, I’m not entirely sure about the “remarkable courage” part of this one… To me it’s just a matter of course. I have found through out my life that whenever the universe throws something “bad” my way, there is always good to come out of it, but only if I’m looking for it. Using my present circumstances as an example, it would be all too easy to fall into a whine and complain frame of mind: I can only spend a couple of hours a day on the computer (my livelihood!), reading is difficult, I can’t drive or work, etc.
Yet the truth of the matter is that it’s only for a couple of months. Once the surgery is done, I will probably have better vision than I have had the rest of my adult life. So why complain? In the meantime, what can I learn from the experience? For one, I’m gaining new insights into the world of the visually impaired. For another, I get to see how others are coming to my aid (or not, as is the case with some people I know), etc.
The general idea is to take the good out of everything, for the universe is one of balance; For every ill there is a boon. All you have to do is look for it, and believe in it. As an additional bonus: in this instance, I can honestly say that my touch typing is getting Wicked Awesome! lol
Cheers, Marc
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