Money. Now there’s a real love/hate relationship for many of us: It’s value is fictional, yet our lives depend on it. Money is a tool, yet instead of us using the tool, the tool uses us. Our lives revolve around having it or getting it. And because these pieces of paper are linked to our survival in this world, it becomes more important than our REAL needs.
This whole subject just gets my goat! Marc and I are broke and when I say broke, I mean disability pension. Yet we remain committed to each other and the union we share. Our lives have never been “easy” in the material sense, but we have remained clear about the one thing that really matters: Never lose sight of one another no matter how “foggy” the future or present might be. But everywhere around me I see people whining about their investments going up in smoke. I know for some that loss represents a dream gone and I know how hard that can be. However, these people rarely acknowledge what they haven’t lost: Their health, their roof, their food and hopefully their partner. But that’s the problem isn’t it?
Money: The Deciding Factor?
If you go looking on the web for the causes of divorce, you’ll find that money is nearly always in the top 3.
1.) Financial - Contrary to public belief, this is in fact the most common cause of divorce. Many couples fail to openly discuss financial situations before marriage such as individual debt, spending habits, salary information, etc. This can lead to one partner thinking the couple is living within their means, while the other partner sees the couple as financially spinning out of control. Also many couples fail to establish feelings of who should do the bread-winning or if the task should be split. A common situation is one from a wife who was socialized to believe the husband is the breadwinner, while the husband believes they should share financial responsibilities. It is crucial to form prenuptial agreements prior to marriage because it can protect either partner against financial ruin should the relationship fail.
In other words, it’s all about what we THINK is going on regarding our survival - head first, heart last: Greedy little me needs taking care of first and caring about you comes when I’m not so busy chasing after money. I know not everybody is like that, but barring 4 people I’ve met in my life, everyone else I’ve met is like this, or winds up like this. Some people realize they’re like this, but think it’s “normal” or ok because everyone else is doing it. Reminds me of the well-if-your-friends-jumped-off-a-bridge scenario. Even in the advice to prevent divorce people are told to think about the money first - not their or their partner’s understanding of commitment.
However, the great majority have no idea just how much the perceived need for money has taken over their lives. To them, the problems in their marriage are “over there” - it’s the partner’s fault. I’m not sure why, but this is more true for legally married couples than for those who have not yet made that commitment. From my own observations, I’ve seen at least 1 of the partners, who when making such a commitment, sees themselves absolved of certain responsibilities within the bonding and unconsciously lays those burdens at the feet of their partner. Prior to marriage, they would never have had the inkling to do such a thing.
Wedding Vows
Questions of Intent (Officiator):
(Groom’s/Bride’s Name), do you take (Groom’s/Bride’s Name) to be your wedded wife/husband, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her? To do so for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health? And forsaking all others, being faithful only to him/her? So long as you both shall live?Response: I do.
Vows:
“I ________, take thee ________, to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband.
To have and to hold,
to love and to cherish,
in sickness and in health,
for richer or for poorer,
til death do us part.”
These are the generic, oft used words of the vows for many couples. Even in more original vows you’ll usually find these basic ideas covered in some way. For instance, a change to “forever” instead of, “til death do us part”. If you look at them, you’ll find that they’re asking, “Are you going to take responsibility for your behavior with this person? You need to because they’re relying on you now. Have you got their back or not?”
These vows are the exchange of commitment we are making to another. Yet somehow, instead of making a commitment with them in which we are more responsible for what we do than before, many individuals unconsciously end up thinking this means they’re absolved of responsibility. To them, what they’re saying is, “Here; I’m giving you my life, so now YOU are responsible for me and therefore my actions.”. This might work when you’re 6, but it doesn’t when you might end up MAKING a 6 year old.
If we start out with this kind of thinking, it becomes very easy to play the Blame Game because it’s how we founded our bond. And if we get into a situation where we believe the security of our survival is threatened and we’re using this level of maturity, then guess who’s gonna get in trouble? “Not me-ee! Uh-uh, I didn’t do it!” Want a blankie to go with that bottle?
Growing Up
There are 3 words that we need to understand fully in order to turn that kind of thinking around:
Vow, cherish and faithful. First let’s begin with how many think of these words. Vow: A specific bunch of words used in special situations to mean a promise. Cherish: Something special. Faithful: Don’t sleep with others. If that sounds like a 6 - 8 year old’s definition, that tells you how most see these crucial ideas.
Now, let’s have a look at the grown-up meanings of the words (Webster’s 1913):
Vow: To give, consecrate, or dedicate to God, or to some deity by a solemn promise; to devote; to promise solemnly.
An act by which one consecrates or devotes himself, absolutely or conditionally, wholly or in part, for a longer or shorter time, to some act, service, or condition.
So a vow is the act of consecrating something and in the case of marriage, it is ourselves and the union into which we are entering.
Consecrate: To set apart, dedicate, or devote. To make, or declare to be, sacred.
This union is special enough to be devoted to; to be set apart from everything else in the world.
Sacrifice: Making the sacred fact. (Literal meaning of the word.)
This means you are prepared to lay down your life for this person and for the fruits of this union (children, dreams, etc.). This can mean physically, but more likely the requirement will be greater. It will probably mean you’ll have to give up something along the lines of time. Time is money, right? WRONG. Money is worth nothing, but time is truly valuable. Time is the amount of effort and the length of waiting required to achieve something like a dream. Time is the amount your children grew up when you weren’t looking. Time is seeing your parents suddenly old and very, very mortal. Time is missing the changes in your partner as you pursued money. When you know what time is and how valuable it is, and you know that money can never get you the things that only time can, you have the ability to chose the kind of life you want.
Cherish: To treat with tenderness and affection; to nurture with care; to protect and aid.
To hold dear; to embrace with interest; to indulge; to encourage; to foster; to promote; to nourish; to comfort; to support.
When you marry, you make the commitment to help another being to not only “get by”, but to help them flourish whatever comes their way and now your way too. It is part of your responsibility, job, duty, whatever you like, to do whatever you can to help this person truly bloom into the flower they are meant to be. That means you tell them the truth and that you are honest with them. It also means being responsible for another’s happiness insofar as what they find in you. Their dreams are now your dreams and vice versa.
When I’ve talked to other couples about this, they believe that what I’ve just described is what love is. Not so. If you really love someone, there are NO conditions on it. For instance, if 1 of my sons seriously hurt someone in a situation in which they could’ve chosen not to, I would a) be VERY disappointed, b) deplore his actions, c) possibly consider whether or not if I still liked him and d) never stop loving him, despite his actions. Remember, this vow reads, “To love AND to cherish”.
Faithful: Full of faith, or having faith; disposed to believe.
Firm in adherence to promises, oaths, contracts, treaties, or other engagements.
True and constant in affection or allegiance to a person to whom one is bound by a vow, by ties of love, gratitude, and/or honor, as to a husband or wife, a prince, a friend.
Worthy of confidence and belief.
This is not so much about believing in someone, as it is about being worthy of that belief. If someone has given you their heart, you need to understand there is no greater responsibility than how you handle that. If you have accepted it, then you now have the obligation of seeing to the care and feeding of said heart. That invisible gift is no different than the responsibility a child would bring in the sense of what it needs. There is a whole person attached to it and every single person on this planet has the same needs at all stages of life as you do.
All these meanings are what is implied in the exchange of vows. This is what we are supposed to understand before we commit to another. They are solemn and weighty, but they’re also filled with light and hope: They show that we believe in a better future, because that future is shared. You’re not alone: The idea is to hold onto one another as you go through life and when necessary, hold one another up. It is to have the other’s back, whatever comes. It is saying, “I hold YOU 1st in my life.”, not my job, my money, or my “things” - you. We become responsible for one another. The only things you should find yourself absolved of when this commitment is made is distrust and the stifling of your dreams; at least with this 1 person.
Recommended Reading:
Money isn’t the culprit in most divorces
2 users commented in " Real Value "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackThis a very wonderful acknowledgment of the truth in relationships.That some feel it is suppose to be like in the movies.Movies are entertainment but should not be compared to our true life.That is just an unrealistic view many get.Though you can get some wonderful ideas from them;)
Fidelity,honesty and trust are the most influential part of a relationship.You cant buy that at the market!There isn’t a price tag on true love.
Once you have that stick to him/her through thick and thin.This makes “us” a stronger unit.
I believe that your significant other is often the one who refuels your inner strength the most.I am his in return.We make each other better for loving each other the way we do.Fully committed to sharing this life and beyond.
Keep up the wonderful writing.
Hi there Bunny!
I wrote this because of the crash in the market recently and I was a little worried that people might find it somewhat rude, but I felt that the way people often regard money over relationships is far worse. I’ve experienced it 1st hand from my Dad. As the child and then as a parent, I thought it was atrocious. So it’s close to my heart.
It’s also close to my heart that people do not understand the power of the commitment they make when they marry. They are often very ill equipped to be in one, yet they are and then make children….
I have to say though - from the perspective of 22 years of marriage - that fidelity creates the trust; because when we “forsake all others”, that means more than just the bedroom: It’s all aspects of one’s life.
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