There’s a revolution going on, and its changing how we choose to express ourselves in a loving relationship. It’s not the kind of revolution that is likely to break out into public demonstrations, or even garner the kind of media attention that the sexual revolution did a few decades age, but it is a revolution nonetheless. It has been a gradual shift in attitudes that has been a century in the making, and is still going on today in the minds and hearts of lovers everywhere.
For most of human history, marriage had more to do with advancing the family’s social and economic prospects than love. Marriages were arranged by the parents in the hopes of cementing ties with other families that could advance one’s position in society. The rich and powerful used this to consolidate their power and keep the undesirables (read: the poor) out of their halls. The poor used it to gain new sources of income by way of workers, property and income for the family enterprise.
In the last century that began to change as divorce was made legal and women’s economic power became less dependent on a man’s income. Changing roles and attitudes also made it possible for a person to rise in wealth and position by virtue of hard work and talent, rather than good family connections. However, the institution of marriage was still the preferred way to go until the sexual revolution arrived and changed our fundamental understanding of relationships.
While the promiscuity engendered by the sexual revolution was excessive, it did serve to pave the way for more libertine attitudes towards sex out of wedlock, and by extension removed the stigma associated with some of the consequences of such behaviours such as having multiple partners and children out of wedlock.
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
The core change that has resulted from all of these societal shifts is a move away from marriage as a political instrument to one based on a love relationship. This has caused us to begin re-examining the very definition of love and the myriad of ways that it can be expressed. Marriage has become one lifestyle choice out of many.
Two of the most popular alternatives are to remain single, or co-habitation (a.k.a living together). Couples who choose to co-habitate often do so because they do not want their relationship to to be bound by the traditional attitudes associated with marriage. They do not want to feel “chained” to their partner, but rather want the freedom to love them without the assigned roles of “wife” and “husband” and all that entails.
There is also a growing movement towards polyamoury, that is entering into a loving relationship with more than one partner. Polyamoury (which literally means “many loves”) comes in many forms, ranging from the “open marriage”, in which two of the partners are married, and co-love one or more people outside of the marriage, to collections of individuals who agree to remain monogamous within a small group. They may co-habitate or maintain individual living arrangements, but they confine their intimate relationships to the members of the group. This form of polyamoury is sometimes referred to as poly-fidelity.
Though swingers sometimes refer to themselves as “polyamourous”, true polyamoury differs from swinging in that for swingers its all about sex with multiple partners, whereas a polyamourous person is in a loving relationship with two or more like minded people.
Is it You, Me, or Us?
Considering these alternatives to marriage forces us to consider the true meaning of commitment. When a couple is co-habitating, breaking up is as easy as walking out the door. In a legal marriage, breaking up is the difficult and sometimes expensive process of divorce. These legal and societal restraints cause the couple to be more inclined to work at the union a little more before declaring the end of the relationship.
In an unmarried relationship, the only impetuous to stay together is that which the couple itself brings to the partnership. For Dawne and I, marriage is our choice, but even in that we once hovered on the brink of separation. The ultimate commitment to our relationship came not from the costs of divorce or societal pressure, but from within ourselves. We made the choice to work it out together, and stuck by that choice.
All of these changes to the definition of a loving relationship have brought about their own host of challenges, commitment being but one of them. Accountability and personal responsibility are two more big ones, for in the lack of outside influences it is up to the individuals and couples engaged in these non-traditional relationships to be responsible for their own actions and attitudes.
Moving Forward
As society moves forward and our relationship styles redefine themselves, I suspect that there will be an accompanying shift in attitudes, one that will bring increasing pressure on individuals to behave in a responsible manner, filling the void left by the legal and moral ramifications of years gone by. We are already seeing the foundations of this when young men are being branded as “players” and as players, being deemed as less than desirable by the opposite sex.
Where we will be in 50 years I don’t know, but this much I hold as true: Traditional forms of marriage will continue to have a place in our culture, even if it is only as one potential lifestyle option. It may not be for everybody, but the public declaration of exclusivity that a marriage entails is still a necessary and desirable institution, both from a romantic as well as a legal point of view. To get married will continue to be the ultimate “I Love YOU!” if for no other reason than its all about the love, baby!
Further Reading:
Alternatives to Marriage Project
5 Comments
I find it has become routine for me to have a morning cup of tea and read the Incurable Romantic as I wake up. Good Morning
You often start my day off refreshing as you either answer questions or raise a few for me.
I really enjoyed your article here. I am a mixture of the woman seeking economic power but always had marriage in the back of my mind. Seriously a relationship was never part of the plan until after college . I was dedicated to being successful in a male dominated field.Echoes of my mom’s voice, telling me not to be distracted by men until I reached my goal, gave me the determination.
This time is where I had my biggest growth experience.All the obvious characteristics built plus becoming educated in people skills and savvy.This made it easier to discover my expectations for a partner.
I feel children are influenced the most by their parents.They learn by example.I am a combination of both of mine and very proud to say they have been married 37 years. Reflection on them has also instilled many factors.They ran a business and raised a family.
Although,marriage wasn’t at the top of the list,it was always on the list:)
It became much more clearer to me after I met my significant other. He took my tough exterior and softened it. This took time and a few serious referrals of me sounding like I was making a business deal with him. I guess old habits are hard to break
My biggest commodity is knowing the importance of balance in life. I feel it relevant to succeed.Treat people the way you want to be treated and do not comprise your morals.Love unconditionally with trust.Marriage should not be entered into for any other reason then you love and want to share your life with that person.
Take care of you first and together the relationship as a couple.Of course you both reciprocate doing things for each other.
Bunny’s quote” I need you because I love you .I do not love you because I need you”. You must be complete yourself,in order to love completely. This is how I feel.
Being in love today is very fulfilling for me.
I am ready for marriage .I have no fairytale expectations.He is not responsible for my happiness though he makes me happier then what I have ever been before. We are learning to share our lives together which is a long term job since people change as they mentally grow along with love changing as it grows.
I do feel I have no regrets in waiting.
My friends ideas on marriage vary and I don’t agree with some. Divorce rate and infidelity usually has influenced them in some way.Some of my girlfriends with careers are finding it harder to find men that suit them and also fear a prenuptial would be in order.This is another issue women have to consider. It is ugly to think of but looking past the big picture,necessary.The last thing you want to think of is a divorce when you are in love.
This has to be the most awkward situation for the couple. Insulting and possibly damaging if both parties don’t feel it necessary. Just discuss it,have it drawn up, sign it and file it away hopefully never to be seen again.
I believe life is a balancing act. A decision to step swiftly or slowly is up to the individual.Staying focused and taking responsibility.
I am very ” Pro” marriage
I think that marriage is on many peoples list, despite the growing trends to alternatives to wedded bliss… For myself, my original plans were much like yours: career first, then marriage. Of course that all changed the day I met Dawne
D and I were having a conversation the other day about how couples “complete” each other. I have never subscribed to this theory, because at the time that I met her, I felt as complete an individual as I could be. Rather she added to who I was, making me more. At risk of sounding like a Borg drone, her distinctiveness was added to mine, to make something more. It’s hard to explain… All I do know is that when love came into the picture, all my plans changed overnight. Such is the power of love.
I can’t imagine doing a pre-nuptual agreement, it seems as though in doing so they are entering marriage with the expectation of failure. I can understand the legal necessity in light of rising divorce rates, et al, but it strikes me as allowing the fear of divorce to set the tone for the marriage. Not a good way to start, and a tough call no matter which way you choose to look at it.
Cheers, Marc
I understand this. See sometimes I feel hypercritical in my feelings on this .When one partner has more then the other in material value it becomes an issue. The fact still remains you love this person but all of our destinies are not guaranteed.The earnings made prior to the marriage or perhaps income from an inheritances or shares in an establishment should be considered.
There is a certain amount of trust that has to be considered but also realistically looking down the road you aren’t suddenly at starting over alone. In some incidents where you have invested moneys earned from cooperation that is family run .A business that has been established for almost one hundred years and the marriage last for five . What is the spouse entitled to? When he or she has only married into it?
Unfortunately, this is a problem in today’s world where women have successful careers and /or have a cushion made by their parents .
Life isn’t easy street for these women or men. They are always wondering what the attraction is, money - them ???
This is the opposite side of the spectrum. Real love is needed on any turf. The casualty’s are different when the finances are involved.
I have a secured fund only because of the wording in the contact my parent had written up. Yet, I have property and investments.I have earned prior to my significant other. Will I share this with him , of course but somethings I have planned for children and retirement. Does that sound funny coming from a 30 year old.
A couple of years back, I put a lot of my stuff in storage, just to prove a point to me. It is incredibly refreshing how little you need to live with.
I don’t have all the answers . I do have a man that loves me, how I am . Protecting your future and the future of your children is important.I don’t want to be one of those ex-wife’s if that happens who supports the new wife and kids on her family’s money.That just isn’t right.
Hi Marc,
Been buried in work but I finally grabbed a bit of time to visit you guys. YEAH!!
GREAT article. Fascinating in that it covered SO many bases without judgment, simply looked at all the existing trends and options. Mind blowing! I knew all these options exist in life but didn’t know they had terms for them.
Loved the whole article and the honesty with which both you and Dawne always write about your relationship and love. It’s one of the things that makes your work so much more approachable to people. Very brave and admirable on both your parts. Exactly what the world needs.
I also liked these lines of yours:
“As society moves forward and our relationship styles redefine themselves, I suspect that there will be an accompanying shift in attitudes, one that will bring increasing pressure on individuals to behave in a responsible manner, filling the void left by the legal and moral ramifications of years gone by.”
I love what you wrote here. This is very insightful on your part. I think this is going to have to happen not only with marriage/relationships but with many aspects of our culture. I pray it will. Where our accountability, our actions are no longer governed by religion and government but by inner realization and choice, a movement toward integrity, compassion and love.
Another random thought: I guess because I’ve lived so much of my life “out of the box” and away from society, I have this tendency to rarely define anything. It doesn’t mean that I don’t “see” what is, but I tend to come from this place of “things just ARE”. Why I’m mentioning this is because although I know all these varied types of relationships exist….I guess for me it was always about LOVE. And not just “falling in love with a partner”, but more importantly, and to begin with, living a state of love within one’s self and the world around them…being in love with all of existence, if you will. I know this sounds a bit hokey but my point being, anything after that in terms of how the love took shape was almost irrelevant to me.
I’ve been in both a longterm “legal” monogamous marriage and now a longterm monogamous “non-legal” marriage (I just laughed out loud writing “non-legal” because it seems so bizarre to me.) Interestingly enough when I look at both relationships the main aspect is LOVE. The rest was irrelevant to me. And each (legal /non-legal) suited a particular age and time of my life.
Not sure any of this makes sense. Maybe it doesn’t need to, as it’s just my random thoughts. Regardless, I enjoyed this article and your depth of insight, as well as your hope for the future. That is a profound thought, one I’ve not read elsewhere.
Thank you, and hugs to your and Dawne,
Robin
As regards your “non-legal” marriage, I’m not sure how it works in your neck of the woods, but here in Canada, any couple that has co-habitated for a period of 1 year or more is deemed to be a married couple in the eyes of the law. The legal term is a “common law marriage”. My great grandparents lived like this in the late early 1900’s.
My great grandfather was born and grew up in England, where he met and fell in love with great grandma. For reasons that have never been explained, they never married in the traditional, legal sense. My Grandfather was born the bastard child of their union in 1905. Great grandpa emigrated to Canada, and G-grandma + child followed 9 years later. One year later they were legally recognized as a “common law” couple. No ceremony, just the calendar ticking over. And with that Grandpa went from being a bastard son to legal heir. So it is in Canada, home to the free radicals