rEVOLution is here
Creative Commons License photo credit: Ralph Buckley

There’s a revolution going on, and its changing how we choose to express ourselves in a loving relationship. It’s not the kind of revolution that is likely to break out into public demonstrations, or even garner the kind of media attention that the sexual revolution did a few decades age, but it is a revolution nonetheless. It has been a gradual shift in attitudes that has been a century in the making, and is still going on today in the minds and hearts of lovers everywhere.

For most of human history, marriage had more to do with advancing the family’s social and economic prospects than love. Marriages were arranged by the parents in the hopes of cementing ties with other families that could advance one’s position in society. The rich and powerful used this to consolidate their power and keep the undesirables (read: the poor) out of their halls. The poor used it to gain new sources of income by way of workers, property and income for the family enterprise.

In the last century that began to change as divorce was made legal and women’s economic power became less dependent on a man’s income. Changing roles and attitudes also made it possible for a person to rise in wealth and position by virtue of hard work and talent, rather than good family connections. However, the institution of marriage was still the preferred way to go until the sexual revolution arrived and changed our fundamental understanding of relationships.

While the promiscuity engendered by the sexual revolution was excessive, it did serve to pave the way for more libertine attitudes towards sex out of wedlock, and by extension removed the stigma associated with some of the consequences of such behaviours such as having multiple partners and children out of wedlock.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

The core change that has resulted from all of these societal shifts is a move away from marriage as a political instrument to one based on a love relationship. This has caused us to begin re-examining the very definition of love and the myriad of ways that it can be expressed. Marriage has become one lifestyle choice out of many.

Two of the most popular alternatives are to remain single, or co-habitation (a.k.a living together). Couples who choose to co-habitate often do so because they do not want their relationship to to be bound by the traditional attitudes associated with marriage. They do not want to feel “chained” to their partner, but rather want the freedom to love them without the assigned roles of “wife” and “husband” and all that entails.

There is also a growing movement towards polyamoury, that is entering into a loving relationship with more than one partner. Polyamoury (which literally means “many loves”) comes in many forms, ranging from the “open marriage”, in which two of the partners are married, and co-love one or more people outside of the marriage, to collections of individuals who agree to remain monogamous within a small group. They may co-habitate or maintain individual living arrangements, but they confine their intimate relationships to the members of the group. This form of polyamoury is sometimes referred to as poly-fidelity.

Though swingers sometimes refer to themselves as “polyamourous”, true polyamoury differs from swinging in that for swingers its all about sex with multiple partners, whereas a polyamourous person is in a loving relationship with two or more like minded people.

Is it You, Me, or Us?

Considering these alternatives to marriage forces us to consider the true meaning of commitment. When a couple is co-habitating, breaking up is as easy as walking out the door. In a legal marriage, breaking up is the difficult and sometimes expensive process of divorce. These legal and societal restraints cause the couple to be more inclined to work at the union a little more before declaring the end of the relationship.

In an unmarried relationship, the only impetuous to stay together is that which the couple itself brings to the partnership. For Dawne and I, marriage is our choice, but even in that we once hovered on the brink of separation. The ultimate commitment to our relationship came not from the costs of divorce or societal pressure, but from within ourselves. We made the choice to work it out together, and stuck by that choice.

All of these changes to the definition of a loving relationship have brought about their own host of challenges, commitment being but one of them. Accountability and personal responsibility are two more big ones, for in the lack of outside influences it is up to the individuals and couples engaged in these non-traditional relationships to be responsible for their own actions and attitudes.

Moving Forward

As society moves forward and our relationship styles redefine themselves, I suspect that there will be an accompanying shift in attitudes, one that will bring increasing pressure on individuals to behave in a responsible manner, filling the void left by the legal and moral ramifications of years gone by. We are already seeing the foundations of this when young men are being branded as “players” and as players, being deemed as less than desirable by the opposite sex.

Where we will be in 50 years I don’t know, but this much I hold as true: Traditional forms of marriage will continue to have a place in our culture, even if it is only as one potential lifestyle option. It may not be for everybody, but the public declaration of exclusivity that a marriage entails is still a necessary and desirable institution, both from a romantic as well as a legal point of view. To get married will continue to be the ultimate “I Love YOU!” if for no other reason than its all about the love, baby!

Further Reading:

The Future of Marriage

Alternatives to Marriage Project

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