The Incurable Romantic’s webhost, 1and1.com, has just informed me that the servers will be undergoing some upgrades on March 6, 12:00 AM to 6:00 AM, EST. During this time, i-r may experience some short outages, and this got me thinking, is there anything that you can do when the lights go out other than have sex and sleep?
Like many young men, I spent a few years drifting from one dead end job to the next, one of which was the position of telemarketer. Yes, for a scant 3 months I was one of those annoying people who always called you when you were doing something far more important (like watching TV), and with a false cheer in voice, would say, “Hi! My name is Marc, and I’m calling from Annoying Marketing, inc. Do you have a minute?”
Apart from adding another job to my ever growing list of “Things I will never do again”, I did learn one useful communications technique. I learned that whatever is on your face, is in your voice. So here, then, is something that you can do when the lights go out: talk. Yes,you heard me right, talk to her.
The most important thing about talking to someone isn’t the talking part, it’s the listening. So as she talks, listen closely. Listen to the tone and timbre of her voice, the inflections and pitch. Does she sound happy or sad? Loving or mad? How does she sound? And when it’s your turn to talk, how do you sound? I’m not talking about the words coming out of you mouth here, I’m taking about the unspoken cues, like body language, save that it is auditory rather than visual.
My telemarketing manager was one of the top closers on the West Coast at the time, and he told me to smile when I called someone up. The reason for this is simple: when you smile, your voice smiles as well. Try the following: paste a frown and a scowl on you face, and say, “I love you”. Listen to yourself as you say these three words. How did you sound? Did you sound like a loving man? A man who is happy to be where he is, doing what he is doing. A man who finds joy in her presence? Or not? Whatever you heard, that’s what she hears, so if you say, I love you, but don’t sound loving, do you really think that she will believe you?
Now reverse the expression. Smile, not just with you mouth, but with you whole face, and say, “I love you” again. How did you sound this time? The difference can be subtle, but it is there. Did you sound more convincing? Did you sound loving, and happy to be saying these words? That’s what she is hearing, and believing.
For the purposes of this exercise, turn out the lights and have a hands off conversation with your lover. Let your only point of contact be you voices. Listen to her, and when you speak, smile. Two things will happen (and possibly a third). First, as long as you maintain a smile on your face, you will find it much more difficult to get angry at her. Warmth, happiness and love will infuse you voice. Second, she will hear how happy and in love you are, and that happiness will raise her spirits as well. As for the third, well, let’s just say that the hands off rule may not last the whole night as your voice communicates the love and warmth that you feel for her.
Use this technique when you’re talking to her on the phone, or calling her from another room, and especially when you are talking face to face, because the visible smile will simply strengthen everything that your voice and words are communicating to her. She will feel more loved and cherished than ever before, just because you smile every time you see her.
Finally, let me just add that I am well aware that putting a smile on your face when you are not feeling happy can be a challenge. Here are a couple of exercises that will make the smile more natural, and in the process help to raise you out of your funk. First, puff out your cheeks. Close your lips firmly, and fill your cheeks with air, like a puffer fish inflates it’s body. This will stretch the muscles, helping them to relax into a more natural, non-funky expression.
Next, stretch your face into the most idiotic grin that you can. Try and make the corners of your mouth stretch up towards your ears as far as you can. This will take your just relaxed face, and imprint a new pattern onto it, one of smiling happiness. If the two of you do these exercises together, you may find yourself feeling sudden bursts of joy, as you watch each other make these faces and burst out into laughter at (and with) each other.
These simple ideas have a powerful effect on mood, and by extension, your relationship. They have been known to stave off many a “toothpaste fight”; that is, a fight that occurs over nothing, and for no other reason than one or both of you were in a mood.
So when the lights go out, or you turn them out, try these tips, and please drop a comment below, and let us know how it turned out. I know that for my wife and I, it has helped to deepen and strengthen our relationship even in the face of adversity.
2 Comments
I love this article! I’m going home and smile at him in the dark! Nice work!
Wow! What great advice. I stumbled this. Thanks for the great, informative, post. Another one who will be smiling in the dark.