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A friend recently emailed me to say that his wife of 30 years wanted to split up, claiming that he had never made her happy. While I don’t know this couple and their situation as well as I would like (it’s an business relationship conducted mainly via email), it got me thinking about how something like this could happen. While 30 years is a very long time to keep silent on something as important as marital happiness, it occurs on an all too frequent basis. How can something like this happen with such regularity?

As I mentioned a moment ago, I don’t know their situation very well, yet nonetheless I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t a failure of effective communication skills. I cannot see someone going 30 years without at least trying to communicate something of this importance to their partner, and so I must ask why he didn’t get the message? What little I do know is that he is a devoted husband who shows his love to his wife on a regular basis. He is a programmer by trade, and in one example he wrote her a custom made program for their anniversary a few years back.

That may not seem terribly romantic to you and I, but as one who dabbles in programming himself, I know the work that goes into even the simplest of applications. His program wasn’t simple or trivial. He put alot of work and effort into it, and tailored it to her, and in more general terms, their relationship. Yet I’m not certain that she saw it as a demonstration of his love. Assuming that she in her turn, did indeed try and communicate that something was wrong, why didn’t he get the message? Given his loving efforts, why didn’t she see how much he loved her? The answer may be as simple as they weren’t speaking the right language.

The Languages of Love

People need to feel loved, with an emphasis on “feel”. How they get that feeling, on the other hand, varies from one person to the next, for we each have our own “language of love” that we can understand. Dawne and I have two distinctly different communication styles. I am always showing her by my actions how much I love her, but her native language is one of words, not actions. As a result, she doesn’t quite get the message, except on an intellectual level. She needs to hear me say “I love you” in order to feel that I love her on a deep emotional level. While she will tell me she loves me many times a day, I feel most loved by her when she gets up and actually does something to ease my day, for my native language is one of action.

Over the course of our relationship we have made an effort, largely through trial and error, to learn each other’s communication styles and, going beyond that, to actually speak each other’s language. I will warn you now though, it takes effort. Even 20 years on, I still have to make a conscious decision to remember to speak the words at least twice a day. Dawne is better than I in this respect; she has learned to do things that demonstrate her love in a way that I will understand without having to make an effort.

My point is this: we should each make an effort to discover our partner’s unique communication styles, and learn to speak and understand their language. You can take all the communications courses and read all the books in the world on the subject, but if you are speaking the wrong language, you will never have effective communication with your partner.

How to communicate effectively

Observation is your first, and best, resource. Watch and listen to your partner, and try to determine when and how they are saying “I love you”. If she tells you that she loves you many times a day, as Dawne does to me, then her language is likely to be verbal. If he gets up to help you with something, despite having a rough day, perhaps his language is more action oriented. Listen to them when you are having an argument. If they say something like, “I tell you that I love you, but you…”, or “I did (this) for you, and you…”, these are powerful clues for you to learn what language they are speaking.

Everybody’s language is unique to them. There are, I am certain, a few core languages and most people probably blend one or more languages to make something that is specific and unique to them. It is up to you to learn your partner’s language, and use your new found skill to effectively communicate your love to them in a way that they can understand.

As for my friend and his wife, I know that despite the difficulties before them, they are working on it. It is never too late to learn your partner’s language, or reach out to them and try to resurrect a dying relationship. All it takes is a mutual commitment to see it through, and the willingness to learn the skills necessary to create effective communication channels between the two of you.

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