Saving Love 2

Image by Torley via Flickr

In Saving Love, I closed with a statement about Relationship Math and here I’m going to open with it to remind you and because we’re going to cover how to regain what you may have lost:

Relationship Math

In a relationship 1 + 1 = 3: You make 1, your partner makes 2 and what you create together makes 3. This is for better or worse - it’s up to both of you, your choice, what you create. I tell you this in the hope that you’ll understand that both of you are far greater than the sum of your parts: You are NEVER locked in to what you believe, how you are right now, or what others believe of you. You can CREATE yourself and if you can do that, you can create anything.

Reliving Moments

If you think your commitment to someone you love is over and abuse is not part of the issue, first try finding your magical moments, before you walk away. If you’ve had them in the past, find the strongest ones, but try to find the shared ones - ones that were powerful for both of you. If you are both in that moment, you can both continually participate in it together. When you’ve both found one you share, begin by reviewing it as you would any memory and then add in details - as many as you can, but be sure they really happened. For many people when they do this, they are a “viewer” not a “participator” in the memory. So the next thing to do is to “step into” the moments of the memory. In other words, to stop watching the memory and allow yourself to step back into it.

Did you know that your brain does not distinguish between a memory and any experience you might be having now? It processes both as real and happening now. This is true for any imaginal experience as well, so anything you can imagine, your brain will take as real, especially if it’s vivid. This is why, for the purposes of finding your moment, it needs to be a shared memory - i.e. - an experience that actually happened - that’s clear, detailed and as accurate as possible.

This hard-wiring of the brain indicates that the experience of linear time, as we’ve packaged for ourselves, has nothing to do with reality. Our brains are hardwired to understand the world around it in finite packages of memory and experience, but not necessarily in a nice tidy line. It is designed to move around in time as though time was a fluid like water. When I say water, think lake or ocean: It’s all one body and you can move through it to reach any point you want to. There can be currents that can make it difficult to reach, but they are still within that body and can be reached if you learn how to navigate them. That’s where memory comes in: It can bypass difficult currents, allowing you to reach what you need. The points you’re seeking will be “still” points within it and these are usually filled with light. What this means is there will be very few disturbances within you as you remember them: They will be filled with hope, happiness and a sense of timelessness. This is how Marc and I are able to continually access our Magical Moments and it’s how you can access yours. So remember to bring the memory to as much clarity as you can and once you have it, then fall into it and let it surround you. When you both have this, hold onto those moments and let yourselves become part of their flow.

Setting the Stage

But what the heck are you supposed to do if you don’t have a poweful/profound moment like that? Well, that’s where you make them. You see, most couples believe that if romantic love has fallen away, then it must be over: Big Fat Lie. In the course of a long term commitment, the romantic blush often falls away as you learn to deal with new things. Keep in mind romance can be applied to anything that fires up our hearts: A new house, a business partnership, a project you really want to undertake, and so on. When they loose their shine, (as they inevitably will) and problems crop up that need to be dealt with, we do not throw up our hands and say, “Wait a minute here! Nobody said anything about effort! I quit!”. At least not if we really want to achieve it/make it work. But we’re all too ready to do exactly this with human relationships. I think it’s because we’re taught to value things, such as a new house, as opposed to the intangibles that give the thing its meaning, such as home and family. So, understanding this idea, we need to make our human relationships the higher priority, or all that we might gain in the way of “things” and accomplishments will remain empty.

Now, how do we go about making the memories we need? Some of that depends on how long you’ve let things slide or how much you’ve let them slide. If you’re at the point where you think it’s all over after several years of commitment, but still want to work at it, then I would recommend starting at the beginning. Give yourselves about 4 - 5 weeks to do this.

For the first step, you could start with a romantic date at home. By this I mean making an intimate atmosphere that’s really special, for a meal you’ll share together. A good idea is to have the understanding between you that this is to just share the experience: There will be no other intimacy even if you both think you’ll enjoy it. Think of this as a reset button, allowing you both a point in time to set the stage for a new part of your experience together.

The second step I’d recommend is to have a lunch date, at home and without interruption, where you will discuss what you’ve been looking for and needing both within your partnership and for yourselves personally. This should happen within a week or so of your shared dinner, while the experience is still fresh. Each of you gets to have their say with the only interruptions being questions for clarification of a given point when you don’t understand.

The third step that would be good are to write three letters:
Again, about a week or so after the lunch.
- One to your partner that puts down all your anger. Let it all spew out, but DO NOT give it to your partner ever. Put this aside and don’t write the next letter for about three days. Put it in a safe place. Doing this gets the pus out of the wound, so to speak. It doesn’t get rid of the wound, but it does get the poison out. Both of you need to agree not to look at the pus letters!
- After the three days you then write another letter dealing with what’s been frustrating you in the partnership. Be careful with this: No blaming, but no pulling punches either. But this one you DO give your partner, but not before doing the third one.
- The third letter is all about what you found good, happy, pleasant, etc. within your commitment together. This one also requires care - you need to be honest and look past any negative feelings you’ve let accumulate.
- Give the third, positive letter first, since this allows your partner to be open enough to hear the painful stuff. This sets the footing back firmly where it belongs, rooted in your love for each other, not the hurts that have been allowed to accumulate.

The reason for a letter to communicate with is that you’re able to clarify and specify your feelings and thoughts when writing: You don’t just blurt stuff out in a letter. You THINK about what you’re saying and it gives you the opportunity to make clear what you might not be able to when “speaking” at the top of your lungs. It allows you to take a half step back from your emotions and communicate with clarity, not volume.

Do not discuss anything about all you’ve both communicated for at least a few days. This allows both of you to digest what you’ve been told.

The fourth step: After the few days have passed, look at the qualities and traits you really like about your partner and write these down. Then think about the ones that bug you and write those down too. Now, make the same two lists about yourself. Finally, consider all you’ve learned from your partner. Make a list of the five most important things you think they were saying and why, then do the same with what you were saying to them. Give yourself about a week to do this.

The fifth step is to have a partnership talk. Bring your lists from the fourth step to the table and make sure you’re not going to be interrupted for at least 2 - 4 hours.

First, the RULES:

Rule 1: No yelling, not even raising your voice. This will probably mean a lot of crying because the emotions have got to come out in some way. This is a far healthier and more accurate demonstration of your feelings.

Rule 2: No sentences that start with, “You make…”, “You are…”, “You do…”, “You did…”, or “You said…”. Start anything you’re going to say with, “I feel…”, or maybe, “I think…”. By doing this, you’re putting the onus on yourself and your interpretations and assumptions. You are not here to dump all responsibility on your partner for how you see things. Doing this prevents either of you from feeling threatened and encourages honest and open communication.

Rule 3: No blaming. Period. This is NOT about winning, points, or about who’s right and who’s wrong. You’re in a partnership so act like it. This is about two human beings who cared enough about each other to spend their whole lives together, trying to actually do that.

Rule 4: Nobody leaves. It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable either of you get; you stay and you adhere to the rules. The whole reason you’re doing this is because you’re unhappy with how things are and want to make them better: You’re not going to get there unless you both leave your comfort zones.

Rule 5: No strangers. This means you two: Although you both may feel like you don’t know the person across from you, your heart does or you both wouldn’t be here. Believe it or not, all the things you’ve been doing (if following this advice) is reminding you of the person you fell in love with and who they are.

In your talk, you need to clarify everything in your partner’s list, so you’re both on the same page. During the last hour to thirty minutes, hash out what you each personally need to work on. Select a few things from your lists to put your efforts into. Do not make this second list a long one. Make it anywhere from 3 - 5 things you’re each going to focus on. They need to be reachable immediately and able to produce strong visible results over the next month or two. When you’ve achieved stable results, come back to the longer list and pick a few more things that you each work on.

Tips

Marc and I have done each of these things at different times in our marriage: They come from our experience of what works and what doesn’t. We found that refraining from sex during those times was always a good idea because we needed to reconnect at a more profound level in order for the physical connection to work. If we refrained (we didn’t always), the physical connection would only follow to the depth of our heart and mind connection. Our advice: If you want all parts of your partnership to deepen, get the heart and mind healing first so that they connect properly. When that’s happening, then add the physical intimacy.

During this time, make sure you spend time sharing at least 6 meals together during the week: Breakfast, lunch or dinner - you pick. Use this time together for catching up with current things and to stay in touch face to face, really spending time getting familiar with each other all over again. And absolutely NO arguing during any of these meals: It ruins the digestion of both the knowledge you’re each trying to gain and the tummy.

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