I sometimes read stories about people who, having been involved in a horrible accident, lose the ability to fulfil their conjugal duties. In some of these cases their spouses filed for divorce, citing those very reasons for the divorce! I cannot begin to tell you how angry these selfish idiots make me. Is your love so firmly rooted in getting laid that you can’t see anything else? If someone ever declares that they want to marry you based on how good in bed you are, run. Run far and run fast, and keep running until you run into someone who will love you for the performance of your heart, not your genitals.
But this post isn’t intended to be a rant, rather a short tour detailing how Dawne and I handle those times when sex just isn’t a feasible reality. You see, due to circumstances beyond our control, Dawne and I have been unable to enjoy our accustomed level of intimacy for the last several weeks. This kind of thing is normal in any relationship, but if mishandled, can put a considerable strain on a couple. Case in point: I get grumpy (and I’m being nice to myself here), Dawne becomes withdrawn, and we both get nothing nowhere. Given that Dawne and I both have rather healthy libidos, these times can be very difficult. The good news is that we have developed some effective strategies for handling these periods in our lives, without going for each others throats.
As you may have surmised, this has happened to us before, particularly when Dawne’s pain condition was first diagnosed. As with most people, the pain lowered Dawne’s normal desire to almost nothing. In addition, some of her medications have a side effect of further suppressing her libido. The end result was that with one notable exception leading to our fourth (and last) child, we went almost 4 complete months without. As it was, during the months leading up to her diagnosis, and for some time afterwards, our love life was sporadic at best. The emotional tensions were further provoked by our normally healthy libidos.
The good news is that we were able to rapidly develop some coping mechanisms, enough that our arguments never quite made it to a lawyer’s office. Over time, these coping mechanisms were refined into sound, practical strategies that anybody can use, provided that their relationship is founded on love, not sex.
The first step is to remember that you love the person, not the bed. I know that may sound obvious, but when sexual tensions are high and tempers are short, forgetting these little details becomes all too easy; So when I say remember, I mean it. Make the effort to remember that you love this person.
The next step is to stay connected. Actually, you should strive to do this no matter what state your relationship is in, but at these times it is particularly important. Even if time is the villain conspiring to keep you two apart, there is nothing stopping you from calling your lover during your lunch break for a quick hello.
Make the time for 5 minute “dates”. If you can, stretch them out to 15 minutes. Every time that the two of you are in a room together, for any reason, spend that time with each other, as opposed to just being in the same room as someone else. Use these “dates” to maintain and grow the connection, so that when your dry spell comes to an end, you don’t have accumulated junk to deal with.
If time is not an issue, as is our case, have regular movie nights, or lunches together, or whatever suits your fancy. Spend time together. Are you beginning to sense a trend here? Yes, you guessed it: The ultimate strategy for surviving any dry spell is to spend time together! Stay connected. Do not let the stresses drive you apart, but rather use them as an opportunity to deepen your relationship in ways that, quite frankly, an overemphasis on sex can otherwise blind you to.
Finally, have faith. Faith in your love for the other, and their love for you. Your dry spell will come to an end. Know that love and sex, though strongly intertwined, are not dependent on each other. You can have one without the other, though admittedly both are sweeter when served together.
3 Comments
WOW!! This is such a GOOD post Marc. These words are so soothing and REAL for anyone open to them. You have wonderful key thoughts and practical ideas here. This is another one for your book. Everyone should read this advice. I loved the lines:
“If someone ever declares that they want to marry you based on how good in bed you are, run. Run far and run fast, and keep running until you run into someone who will love you for the performance of your heart, not your genitals.”
Finally someone saying it right out there!!! Your words: “…the performance of your heart….” are just beautiful.
I hope you guys do a book as I think it is one that would change the world. It certainly would be a first and a forerunner for change. Needless to say you are right on the money here. And I applaud you for it. Thanks, Robin
I’m glad you liked it Robin
It’s actually a bit of a pet peeve with me, this blurring of the lines between sex and love. Our everyday language even refers to the most casual of liaisons as “making love”, when it most certainly is not. It’s sex, plain and simple. As I once told my son, “The best sex you’ll ever have starts in your heart, not your pants”…
Cheers, Marc
Bravo Marc!
Yes,I agree sex is great but I don’t feel it can be the basis of a long term relationship.
Companionship and unconditional love is before that.
I hope the dry spell is over soon and love your last line in the above quote:)