Image via WikipediaThere are essentially two levels of giving that we can participate in, superficial giving and deep giving. Superficial giving is giving that is easy to do. It’s saying thank you to the girl at Starbucks or loaning a tool to a neighbour. It costs us nothing and is usually lacking in sincerity. This kind of giving is the type that we do because it is easy and we have been taught to behave this way. It is the societal norm, and expected of us.
Deep giving is the giving of ourselves. It is going the extra mile, or doing something for the benefit of another that costs us personally in some way. It can be a source of pain and hardship if done for the wrong reasons, or a fulfillment of our deepest needs when done for the right reasons. When we give for the wrong reasons, we give for essentially selfish reasons: We are giving for the express purpose of receiving in return, making it a business transaction rather than a gift.
However, even if you are giving for the right reasons (the benefit of another), it can still be a painful experience. How can this be? Imagine a woman who, as a little girl, was taught to be “sugar and spice, and everything nice” and lives her life in accordance with that. If that is her natural self, then all that she gives is given from a core of truth and congruence with her reality. But what if this little girl was by nature a tomboy? Perhaps under different circumstances she would have grown to become a woman of fiery passions. In that instance “everything nice” may not be in complete agreement with her true self.
In this example, all that she gives in her role of a good woman (as she was taught) is a source of hardship for her. Daily she swallows back words and opinions that “nice girls” don’t express. She allows herself to be treated in a manner that does nothing to meet her emotional or mental needs. Had she been permitted to explore her passions and find a cause worthy of her fire, then all her giving would be a source of ispiration, both to herself and to the people around her. More importantly, she would be much happier. She would have a purpose in life worthy of her talents, and all that she gave would be a gift of the heart for the sole benefit of the lucky recipients of her gifts.
Becoming You
Now comes the tough part: becoming your true self. How do you go beyond your learned behaviours to become the person you were meant to be? As covered in “Living the Fantasy Life” and “Getting What You Need”, begin by identifying your archetypal self as revealed in your fantasies and daydreams. From there you begin the process of becoming that person. Realize that just as it took you a lifetime to become the person you are today, you will not make such a significant change overnight, and nor should you try to.
Rarely does overnight change translate into lasting change, barring incredibly impactful external events. For most people, trying to deliberately change your life is a slow process of replacing previous conditioning with new attitudes and behaviours. In these circumstances, overnight change fails because of a phenomenon called “bounce back”. Usually, the change that we made conflicts with our previous attitudes, causing an internal war to erupt. Until the underpinnings of our old modes of behaviour are addressed, the new ones have insufficient traction and will fall in the face of the deeply rooted attitudes that we haven’t let go of yet.
Bounce back can also come from external sources such as our loved ones. No matter how supportive someone is, we all have a certain resistance to change, particularily change in the people we love. This resistance manifests at an unconcious level, and can cause a person to inexplicably manifest bahaviours whose sole purpose is to force us to revert back to our old, comfortable way of being. Understand that your loved ones aren’t doing this deliberately. When this happens, they are usually unaware of what’s happening themselves, and may be equally confused by their behaviour as you are.
The key to circumventing most, if not all of this bounce back is to take it slow and easy. Look for opportunities to step out of your comfort zone just a little bit. If you are unaccustomed to speaking up, look for a chance to speak up, preferably on something that will not explode in your face if it goes awry. You are just beginning the process, and it is a process of learning as much as it is a one of change. This is new territiory for you, so take your time and explore it at your leisure.
The Road Ahead
It will be scary and difficult at first, but take heart in the knowledge that it gets easier as you go along. What you are really doing is giving yourself permission to be who you really are, one step at a time.
Your daydreams and fantasies have been trying to tell you for years how to become the person you were always meant to be. Keeping in mind that all your little movies are exaggerations of what is really going on, you can mine them for clear indications of what you really need, and how to become the person that will get those needs fulfilled. From there, you can begin to take the steps necessary to becoming that person, in essence becoming the change that you want to see.
From there giving becomes an easy and natural part of who you are. Fear and trepidation melt away to be replaced with passion and commitment to something greater than yourself. You will find yourself giving greater than you get and in that giving, getting more than you could possibly imagine.
There are techniques that can speed the process of personal change dramatically. Dawne and I both recommend studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). It is a powerful suite of mind technologies proven effective in every realm of human endeavour from peak performance for atheletes, to business, to building rich and rewarding relationships. We have been studying and practising NLP since we were first introduced to it via Anthony Robbin’s “Unleash the Power Within” course in the mid-90’s. Since then Dawne has gone on to become a Master NLP Practitioner
These technologies work with stunning effectiveness, and get our highest recommendations.
One Comment
This is a wonderful article. I haven’t learned the sugar and spice thing, I pretty much speak my mind. Which often gets me in to trouble
. I must compliment you on your new site it is beautiful.