Originally, I wasn’t going to post this, since the content is a little strong for Incurable. But this blog is also taken completely from Marc’s and my experiences with life and this is one of the strongest lessons we ever learned as a couple: Life, in whole, or in parts, is over in a blink. Most people go through their entire lives never recognizing that fact, or if they do, only ever in the abstract. This has especially hit home again recently with everything Marc and I have been going through, so I felt that in the end, it really is appropriate for Incurable Romantic.

Davis Monthan Air Show
Creative Commons License photo credit: xoque

Here’s a question for you:

If you knew the world was going to end, what would you do? For the sake of argument, let’s say the world had 1 month. There’s nothing that can be done to save it; it’s just going to end. Knowing this, how would you spend your time?

Would you panic?

Would you write as much of your wisdom down as you could? Just in case…

Would you not let your children out of your sight? Would you play with them everyday like it’s the last? Would you give them as many loving and happy memories as you could before the last day?

Would you make love non-stop with the one you love?

Would you spend your days as you always have?

Would you spend your time in denial and disbelief?

You’re probably wondering why I’m asking this question and why I gave one month. One day isn’t enough time to make any changes, so I chose one month, which is. The reason for asking the question at all is that for thousands, if not tens of thousands of people, they are facing that reality each day. Some know they’re facing it and others don’t. For some it means death, for others, it means being left behind. For still others, it means losing some part of their life; something significant enough to alter everything about it. Let me be clear - I do not mean a loss of one thing because you’ve gained another, such as when we have a child. I mean a loss where there is no gain - unless you seek it, dig deep for it and allow yourself to be transformed by it.

When One World Ends

James Smith and Sons - umbrella shop
Creative Commons License photo credit: markhillary

About 6 months after Marc and I had our last child, I developed the mother of all tension headaches that lasted for 8 weeks. I had a 2 week break and then it started again, lasting for another 6 weeks. I realized this might not be normal (I’ve lived with some kind of intense pain all my life), so I went to see the doctor. When examined, our doctor found I had lost 75% of the movement in my neck, my upper spine was twisted out of alignment by the muscles and I had tendonitis in my neck and was developing it in all the tendons: All tendons in the back, back of the legs, inside of the arms and the shoulders. I was sent to see 4 specialists and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia of a particularly severe variety. At that point I was told that any chance for a normal life was pretty much out of the question.

I’ve never had a “normal” life, so that didn’t bother me too much, however, my body had always carried me through everything. I had always been very fit - I’d been an athlete - and this was the 1st time I suddenly couldn’t get around. Or do much for myself, by myself. I was suddenly very “weak”. But the real difficulty with such a disability is that although the problem is extremely real, it is still an invisible disability: People can’t tell you’re in agony. Especially if you decide to smile…

At first I was pretty down, suffering from bouts of deep depression, but as time went on I adapted. Those depressions were affecting everyone around me, so I decided not to spread my despair: I began to smile even if I didn’t feel like it - which was most of the time. If you decide that, people figure that it can’t be that bad. The ramifications of that were that people thought I was fine and often asked me to do things that would hurt me. When I had to refuse, they thought my disability was an excuse to be lazy, or I was moody. Understand that my condition often left me bedridden. I would try to explain, but everybody except Marc and my children, thought I was “making it up”. I lost all my friends, argued with my parents who thought I was lying and the doctors were… They never did explain what they thought the doctors were doing.

Now here’s my real point: If you think my experience was uncommon, you would be very wrong. Believe it or not, I was fairly lucky in mine. At least I got diagnosed quickly. I’ve heard about others not getting diagnosed before 9 years had passed. Others have lost jobs that were a calling for them, their spouses and sometimes their children. But all these people will try to smile at you when you pass them on the street or riding on the bus. There are those who can’t live like this and do something about it, but most do carry on.

Digging Deep

Shovel
Creative Commons License photo credit: Seabamirum

Did you know that many shamanistic traditions use pain to teach? The main reasons for this is to deepen the initiate’s humanity through learning what it’s like and to gain endurance, since it was their job to look after the group. The word we use in English is “suffer” which means to undergo and/or endure. Our word comes from the Latin and the word is made up of sub - up or under - and ferre - to carry. I find the carrying part very interesting. People who are suffering (in any way) are carrying not only their burden, but in many ways, the burdens of everybody around them: Shortsightedness, tempers, lack of kindness, impatience, thoughtlessness and many more.

People like me see all the ugly bits of others, whether we want to or not and we usually don’t want to see it. People like me want to believe that others are kind and caring and able to think of others, it just doesn’t happen very often. And that’s when I realized - it’s our fault. We expect but do not teach, though we have the understanding and knowledge. We see so much ugly, we don’t want to add to it. We feel like we’re such a burden on everyone, so we never demand more - like demanding people remember that a person is NOT a number. That they remember their humanity in dealing with other human beings and what it’s like to undergo an unpleasant experience.

But this is allowing, no, it’s aiding and abetting people to be their worst. We are the worst of all for we know better and how to do better, but remain silent. We let you go through your day having learned no better and becoming no more than at the start when we could have helped you. We know what it’s like to be ostracized. We know what it’s like not to be heard, much less listened to. We know what it’s like to be in pain. We know what it’s like to be alone and lonely. We know what it’s like to do without, to lose, to be devalued and to how smile when there seems to be no reason to.

We know the importance of kindness and it’s ramifications. We know to listen and what to listen for. We know understanding, the importance of life for itself and that no one is useless. We know that it is the intangibles that last and that things are the transients, most of which hold little real value. We know humility and it’s purpose. We know about love and when it’s real and when it’s not. We know compassion and how to give it; we’re careful to not mix it up with pity because that simply tells someone they’re “put up with”. We don’t want your pity; we want help, when we need it - just as you would if you walked in the same shoes.

We know all this yet we remain silent. Because we believe the world would hate us for our wisdom when we already stand at the border of that land simply for existing as we do. However, we also know courage. And that’s something we have in abundance. So here’s me telling you:

Most of the time you only think of “things”. You almost never think of how you affect someone else with your words or actions, and you judge what you have no understanding of. In short, you think, act and feel like a 6 year old self-centered brat, who’s never given another thought to the human being next to you. Why? Because you think you’re the center of the universe. Almost everyone around you is the same. People enter all their commitments that way and wonder why they fail later. Think about it and be really honest with yourself here: Would you want to be treated the way you treat others? I know there are times I don’t want to be any where near myself and I know better…

But here’s the secret: ANYBODY can be better, more, kinder, thoughtful, insightful, intelligent, wiser, etc., if they dare to think differently.

Thinking Like A Dead Person

A Bald Spot
Creative Commons License photo credit: Blush Response

I’ll ask you again: If you knew that your life only had 30 days left on its clock, what would you do? The question I’m asking you is, what would become important? How would you change?

Remember, most people go through their lives without a second thought as to the quality of themselves or how they really interact with others. The only serious concern they pay attention to is the least important: “How much money do I have in my life and how many things can I get with it?” At best, the thinking is, “How many MATERIAL things have I left behind?”.

These are the wrong questions. Money and material things are nothing more than the representation of a transaction - a ballet of numbers. Would a dying person even care? Uh, no. What a dying person would care about is how will they be remembered; did they bring more happiness than sadness into the lives of others? How often did they manage that?

There are only 3 things we have that have any lasting value:
1) Ourselves - Our personalities, development, character, originality, quality, etc.
2) Others - Our interactions and the quality of them, how we have helped others, who and how many we have touched/changed for the good or better.
3) Time and emotion - These are our true currency.

I’m not talking about how much money you’ve donated to charity. That can be a very good thing, but really that’s just about money and things again. I’m talking about taking the time to actually get to know the people you see around you and if you have the resources (knowledge, contacts, skills), lend them a hand.

When was the last time you really talked to someone outside of your circle? When was the last time you did something kind just because it was the right thing to do - not because it made you look good? When was the last time you did business and were more worried about the people effected than the bottom line? When was the last time you saw someone suffering and you took the time to sit and talk or lent them a shoulder to cry on? When was the last time you really, truly, honestly liked who you were?

Remember, the clock is ticking: You only have 30 days. Who are you going to choose to become?

VIDEO - Ultravox - Dancing With Tears in My Eyes, 1984 (it’s relevant)

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