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The orgasm is probably about as close as most of us will ever get to enlightenment, and that may be a lot closer than you think. In a study done in 2005, scientists performed the first brain scans of people having sex and achieving orgasm, as they tried to determine what happens in the human brain at these times. They found that there were some very striking differences in the brain between the sexes at the time of orgasm. While I don’t agree with some of the conclusions they drew, some of the scan results were, shall we say, enlightening….
It is common knowledge that a woman needs a certain amount of “build up” time before hopping into bed. She needs to feel connected to her partner. She needs to be seduced and romanced. She needs to “get into it”, before she can “get to it”, and really enjoy the experience. Since time immemorial men have tried to fulfill this need, by way of candles and flowers, candies and chocolates, and romantic evenings in front of the fireplace. Also since time immemorial, women have felt cheated, failing time and again to reach orgasm. What’s going on?
Imagine, if you will, that the stage has been set. The candles are aglow, and the fireplace is crackling quietly in the corner. Glasses of wine sparkle in the warm light, disturbed only by the sound of quiet nothings murmured into a lover’s ear. The evening proceeds as planned, both partners aware of how the evening will end, yet content to exist in the moment. Murmurs turn to kisses, and the wine is abandoned for the sweet elixir of love only to be found in another’s arms.
Clothing is shed, and bodies recline, lit only by the dancing flames of a fire dimmed by the intensity of the passions building on the rug before it. Bodies intertwine in a collision of passions, followed quickly by a frantic writhing, grunting, moaning moment of…
“Was it good for you, too?”
This climactic moment is where the differences between men and women come to a head. For women, the journey is all. The goal is part and parcel with the romance, inseparable and indistinguishable one from the other. The two (goal and journey) are actually one continuous experience. Men, conversely, treat the goal as separate from the journey. The journey is of course to be enjoyed, but once the goal is in sight, the race to the finish is on.
A 2005 article written about the study states:
“In men, greater activity was seen in the insula, which deals with emotion, and particularly in the secondary somatosensory cortex, which rates the significance of physical sensations. This suggests that the sensory input coming from the genitals is being judged highly important and pleasurable by the brain.
“Women, however, show very little increased brain activity, and only in the primary somatosensory cortex - which registers purely that a sensation in the genitals is there.”In women the primary feeling is there, but not the marker that this is seen as a big deal,” Dr Holstege said.”For males, touch itself is all-important. For females, it is not so important.”
and continues on to claim:
“The key to female arousal seems rather to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety, with direct sensory input from the genitals playing a less critical role.
“…men also appear to concentrate more on the sensations transmitted from the genitals to the brain. This suggests that for men, the physical aspects of sex play a much more significant part in arousal than they do for women, for whom ambience, mood and relaxation are at least as important.”
“…with direct sensory input from the genitals playing a less critical role.”
Perhaps it’s just the way this statement is phrased, but it almost sounds like being physiclly stimulated is not as important as making sure the candles don’t go out! Having spoken to Dawne about this on numerous occasions, I have to partly disagree with that statement. Direct stimulation of a woman’s genitals is important, but only in the context of the greater experience.
“The scans show that during sexual activity, the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion start to relax and reduce in activity. This reaches a peak at orgasm, when the female brain’s emotion centers are effectively closed down to produce an almost trance-like state.”
As every woman is different, that experience may or may not involve props such as wine and chocolates. What is common to most, if not all women is this: A feeling of trust and tenderness must be present within her before proper arousal and orgasm is possible. Everything leading up to the big O works to let her relax, and enter “an almost trace-like state.” This is why, when a man suddenly switches gears in the race to the finish, his partner is often left behind, bewildered by the sudden interruption of her experience.
How Can You Help Her?
Gentlemen, start her engine… Understand that love making is not a race to the finish, but an experience to be savored. Seduce her. Romance her, even if the two of you have been together for decades. She needs to be loved anew every day, just like it was the first day. Once you hit the sheets, help her have at least one orgasm (and preferably 3 or more), before you get anywhere near your own climax.
The second thing that you should do is much more difficult, but all the more rewarding for it: Slow down! Get that whole “finish line” mentality out of your head. Remember that she should be headed towards a trance state, and that doesn’t just happen in an instant. There is a journey involved and you need to lead her through it with love and tenderness. Your body will rail against this one, but if you can discipline yourself to prolong your lovemaking, and learn to lead her on this journey, not only will she feel like you are the best lover ever born, you will too!
Source article from The Times Online
2 users commented in " The Orgasmic Trance "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackMore GREAT book material. Seriously! This is crucial stuff. The cool thing about these posts that you BOTH write is that you BOTH write them and feel this way. So someone reading it can’t say, “Oh that’s just a “chick” sex book.” Or “Oh that was written by a man so how could HE possibly know?” LOL But here is this amazing team where both parties KNOW! I just love that. It reaches so many more people that might not otherwise be open. I loving sharing these with my very loving partner. I thank you so much for making the choices that you both have made and are making in your life that have given you this wisdom and insight. It is so badly needed in the world.
Hi Robin:
There is a phrase, (from the Bible, I believe), that states that “Love seeks not it’s own”, and this is something that I have found to be true time and again, especially in an interpersonal relationship. To be a great husband, lover, father, ( or wife, lover, mother) you have to look to the needs of those you love before your own. So when people say, “Oh that was written by a man so how could HE possibly know?”, my answer is that if he truly, deeply loves his wife, how could he NOT know? His love will have him observing her slightest nuance, in an effort to be better able to love her, and over time his “knowing” will become something that is deeply intuitive.
While I can’t claim to understand what something like childbirth feels like on a physical level, I can understand it from an emotional perspective, for I shared many of the same fears and hopes as Dawne did at those times. My own reaction was to memorize every single page of “The Emergency Childbirth Handbook”, hoping that I would never need it
From my studies and conversations with Dawne, I knew what to do *for her* when the time came, and that is the point. A man will never truly know what a woman feels like, but if he pays attention, he will always know how to be the man she needs, when she needs him. And that is the way it should be.
NOTE: heh, upon re-reading my comment, I realized 2 things:
First: This is something that could probably do well, expanded into an article of it’s own, and
Second: You’re right, it is good book material. Somebody should write one, one day
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